So many people are fascinated with my fertility. It used to shock me when people would ask if we planned to have more children or if I were pregnant already (I'm not, so don't ask me!). I just couldn't understand the preoccupation that friends, family and complete strangers had with the private workings of my body and my marriage. While I could go blissfully through my day without ever asking that mom of two at the store if she's contracepting, she can't seem to control her curiosity about me.
I blame it in part on our reality show culture. When cameras follow people into the bathroom and other people eagerly watch, people lose any sense of personal boundaries. There seem to be no questions too personal to ask, and nothing too private to answer.
The rest of it, from what I can see, is that we are like the freak show at the circus. We're a throwback to a simpler time. We have a big family, bake our own bread, educate our own children, make our own laundry soap, etc. I guess we're lucky that we're not getting poked at with sticks.
It doesn't really explain the level of fascination that I and my big-family-friends run into. A friend and I were lamenting the other day that we can't be tired or forgetful within earshot of anyone without the inevitable question, "Are you pregnant?" popping up. Don't ask us that. If we are, then we want to announce it on our own terms, and if we aren't then you're just being annoying. If we are, we may have reasons for not telling you like wanting to tell someone else first (my husband perhaps?) or because something is going wrong and we don't want to talk about it. If we're not, there may be a reason why that we don't want to talk about it or we may be planning on trying tonight and don't want to jinx it. Whatever the reason, it's personal and private, so unless you're my best friend, mind your own business.
Moms of big families can't hide their sex lives the way that moms of small families can. We don't blend into anything, we parade our love lives around following after us for everyone to see. That doesn't make them any less private. Our fertility is a gift from God to us and our husbands. God offered most people the same gift, the only difference is that we accepted it.
14 comments:
So true! I have friends who ask me EVERY TIME THEY SEE ME, "Are you going to have another?" And of course it's kind of a nonsensical question, because I really don't think that whether I have "another" is actually up to me. Love this post!
You've inspired me to finally write up a post on this topic that's been bouncing around in my brain for a while...although as you may have noticed, I haven't been posting much lately. There's this annoying thing called real life, know what I mean?! Don't you hate that? :) But now I'm motivated...
Wait....you have a real life? Maybe we're not secret twins after all.
I TOTALLY agree with your point of view...BUT, I must say that I am guilty of asking people if they're pregnant.
I don't mean to be rude or obnoxious about asking, I just get so EXCITED at the possibility of a new life that I can't help it.
Having had 4 kids in 5 years, I am on your side and get annoyed at others for the way they treat me (as if having a lot of kids is stupid, bad, or irresponsible).
But I try to understand where they are coming from, and remember that we can be great examples of generosity/fertility they might otherwise never see.
Anyways, great post and God Bless :-)
I think some people might ask because they may be a bit jealous. I know I'm super jealous of large families. And I am very curious on how they manage their lives and homes. (I was an only child to a single mother and I was left to my own devices. So I have no idea how a family unit works. Haha)
I wanted a big family more than anything. But we are struggling with dev delays. So we are not having anymore kids:(
So I live vicariously through my friends:) But, they are all really open to life so they don't mind if I ask them if they want more kids. They just say "Yes!" So if my friends want more kids I pray that they will be blessed again:)
But, I wouldn't dream about going around asking people if they are pregnant. That's pretty rude. But, maybe I shouldnt annoy them with so many large family questions. I may be more annoying than I realize:)
I think there's a big difference between asking a close friend and asking an acquaintance or a stranger. That's where the problem is. It's those we choose not to share our lives with imposing themselves in the most intimate details of our lives, not our nearest and dearest.
Agree, agree!
I run into the same situation all the time!
Good post.
I learnt quickly years ago, when I was just out of school, not to ask.
As the person I asked (close friend), replied with, "We've been trying for years, and can't conceive."
Also, a main factor I take into account that you mentioned, that helps me to not ask, is that when they want to tell us, they will.
People don't usually get pregnant, and then sit around waiting for people to ask, they tell others when they choose.
Beautiful last sentence!
"Our fertility is a gift from God to us and our husbands. God offered most people the same gift, the only difference is that we accepted it."
High-five on this post!
I wish I'd been able to have more make it to term so I could empathize, it was bad enough to have people look at me like I'd lost it for having one at 39 (after the seven years of trying so hard that most knew nothing about) and then I've had a few ask if I did it because of a second marriage (!). Talk about presumption!
I think the whole world has changed. I find that the people that are willing to ask me if we are having anymore are also willing to tell me all the ins and outs of their husbands vasectomy or their tubal. I really don't like hearing about these kinds of things.
Our fertility is a gift from God to us and our husbands. God offered most people the same gift, the only difference is that we accepted it.
I love this...
I agree with all you have said. It is also a shame that a mother of a lot of little ones can't even express how they are feeling, tired,stressed, or whatever emotion for fear we will get looks or comments like it is are fault for having so many children. All mothers feel this way at times whether you have 2 kids or 10. Lets just celebrate motherhood and give mom's of many children a break. :)
I am pregnant with my eighth baby, and 42 years old, and my youngest is nearly 5. My friends at church are thrilled for me, my family is thrilled for me, everyone else looks at me like I have two heads. They think that either I was TRYING to get pregnant, at age 42, with seven other children, or I had a big old OOOPS. The idea that I wasn't trying, but wasn't actively avoiding pregnancy isn't even on the radar. I try to explain, but really, it just doesn't compute with most people. So now I just smile, say I am thrilled with this unexpected joy, a gift I hadn't even asked for and yet received. Usually at that point they just are glad I am happy, and drop it.
The older I get, and the more children I have, the less I say. Wisdom? Fatigue? I don't know.
Just reading the comments now, but I agree whole-heartedly. Of course, you know *I* ask just cause...lol. ;-)
See, I am blatant about it. Either I have the dc with me, which makes it rather obvious, OR I'm alone (thanks be to God for a wonderful DH who gives me my down time!)...when I'm alone, I tell people I have five. LOL. They ask if we want more, and I say we'll take whatever God gives us. It may mean more dc, it may not, but I look at it as "when I stand before God, at my final judgement, do I want to be able to say 'I left myself open to the blessings you wished to bestow', or have to "explain" why I stopped with two dc (thus preventing four more dc from coming into being)? No thanks, I'd rather cooperate with His will, with His plans. If He is going to put a plan in motion, why not cooperate? Not to mention, the multitudinous blessings that come from the singular blessing of a child...
Besides, when else, in the rest of all of Creation, do we--we mere mortals!--get to actively be co-creators with HIM?!? What an incredible privilege!! What an HONOR.
And what a shame that more people don't see it that way. Diminishing intimacy to nothing more than pleasures of the flesh, without any understanding of the blessings that could result...how incredibly sad...so shortsighted...
I have really strong feelings on this subject...as you can tell...lol
Btw, if I ask, its only cause I care. :-D
i think as a culture we have EPIC FAIL with respect to boundaries around pregnancy and conception. people ask the most appallingly personal questions of pregnant women, and others announce their intent to conceive as though this were polite conversation. i know folks with more than 2.5 kids get it worse because of the judgment... but it's certainly not limited to you. :)
As for "Mary Poppins NOT", your situation used to be such a common phenomenon there was a name for it. "Top Crop" is an agricultural term for late-developing fruit that's worth going back to harvest. It was my uncle's nickname. :)
Well, I'm gonna keep asking... EVERY DAY... cuz you are WAY overdue. You have to keep 'em coming for my enjoyment.
Love & Kisses & Hugs & Belly Pats, Pilgrim
It is also a shame that a mother of a lot of little ones can't even express how they are feeling, tired,stressed, or whatever emotion for fear we will get looks or comments like it is are [sic] fault for having so many children.
Soul Pocket - I just want to make sure that a) you know how babies are made and you did something to allow conception and b) that you are a willing participant in the baby making. I just thought it was strange that you said "our fault."
Also, I think fault indicates somebody did something wrong like leaving the stove on or throwing a rock through a window.
Family planning is private business between a man and a woman and God.
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