A boy asked our eldest for her phone number this week. It's not surprising, I guess. She's 13 and looks older and is gorgeous. It's been hell on her father, the whole gorgeous thing. The boy asking for her number got him thinking about what kind of ammunition we have on hand.
It started out innocently. He's on the basketball team; she's a cheerleader. He friended her on Facebook; I'm beginning to hate Facebook. He sent her an email saying he'd like to get to know her better, could he call he sometime.
My daughter thought about for approximately half a second and decided that this young man was not up to her very high standards, as she thinks only young men who know how to spell and actually understand punctuation should be considered as potential anythings. She also readily admits that she's too young for romance.
She asked me for advice on blowing him off but being nice about it. I messed up. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. I told her to politely reply that she was flattered, but that her parents don't allow her to give out her number to boys who are not already family friends. I should have stopped it myself.
He wrote back and suggested that my sweet girl should get a cell phone to talk to him behind our backs. My daughter read his suggestion and then said aloud, "I already have a cell phone. Why would I need another one........Oh. He wants me to lie.....He wants me to lie and sneak and....lie." I should have stepped in.
She wrote back, "I am not in the habit of lying to my parents or of hanging out with people who encourage me to do so." The snot replied "I thought you liked me."
I ended it there. I should have ended it in the beginning.
I made the mistake of thinking that because she looks older and acts older and has a good head on her shoulders, that she was ready to handle this simple thing with a little guidance. She was not. She was upset over having to be mean. It bothered her to hurt his feelings. She was the perfect example of how teenagers aren't ready for this. They are not ready for their minds to battle their emotions.
It is my job to protect her, may I have the wisdom and foresight that is necessary to give her the protection she deserves.
5 comments:
Don't be too hard on yourself. If she were in school, she would probably be an old pro at breaking hearts and in turn, being a little heartless herself. I think it was handled as beautifully and tactfully as possible and even though she may feel bad, she has gotten a little experience behind her belt. She has also learned that kids can be evil sometimes. One can't learn these things always from homeschooling.
Love, Suzanne
And another thing--you let her know that she wasn't being mean at all--she was being nice to tell him that she is not in the habit of lying--telling the truth, even when it hurts someone's feelings is the utmost in charity!
Love, Suzanne
A 20 gauge. That's what you need right there. Good for us females (not as much kick as a lower gauge) and still has plenty of stopping power.
We have one for deterring pests and predators of the four legged kind...and, maybe, it'd work well on the two-legged kind, too.
Ahem.
That being said, I think that the two of you handled it beautifully. She was polite and kind, and this way, it is done and over with, and he isn't cornering her at a game or activity, and putting her into a corner *there*, where you may not be *right there* to help. He may choose to sneak and lie. But I am very very glad that she chooses not to encourage a young man who would act in such a way..or would encourage a young woman to do so, either.
Give her a hug, and tell her "thank you"...
Dear Mom from a mom - You did just fine. Your daughter handled herself very well. I'm proud of her. Yes, she is upset, but that also is part of growing up. Please let her know that depending on the situation that it does and doesn't get any easier. Most people don't like confrontations or hurting other people's feelings.
For example: My daughter is 23 and rather serious about a young man. Well, her old boyfriend just kept calling and showing up at her apartment without calling first. Finally, a couple of weeks ago my daughter had had enough and had to tell him to go away and leave her alone. (She'd been reluctant to do this because they are all within a circle of friends and was afraid it would hurt other friendships.) The ex-boyfriend wasn't very nice about the whole thing. (Luckily, he didn't get violent.) Anyway, my daughter was very upset. It took a few days, but then suddenly she realized that a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Sounds like you and she handled it just fine. A little eye-opening perhaps.
As a Dad of several girls, it's people like that that make me want to get a gun -- not to use: just to clean, over and over again on the front porch when the boys come to call.
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