Rape, incest, and the mother's life...oh, and abused children...better aborted than abused.
How many times have we heard these acceptable exceptions to a ban on abortions? It is easy to see the point of view that makes these exceptions acceptable. No sane person wants to inflict further hurt and suffering on those already in pain. Worst of all are the faces of children who live in horror. Children who might, it is imagined, count themselves lucky to have never been born.
What becomes of these children when they reach maturity? Common wisdom places them in prison, in poverty, or most probably becoming abusers themselves. Surely the world would be better without such people wandering around among us. Have we ever asked them? Could we if we tried?
The problem is finding these now grown children. The shame of what was done to them causes them to retreat into silence and hide the shame. There is shame in not being loved enough. Abuse in families typically centers on one child and leaves the others alone. This leaves the target feeling responsible and complicit in the abuse. The survivors hide among us, never talking about what was done for fear of public condemnation and embarrassment. How, then, do we combat the "better unborn than abused" argument? If the abused children can not find the courage to speak out for the value of their own lives, how can anyone else? Someone must speak out for them and the value of their lives.
I will do it. My name is Rebecca and I was an abused child. I spent more nights than I can remember sleeping on the floor of my closet underneath the hanging clothes for fear of what might come through my bedroom door. It was scary and horrible and took me many years to forgive, but at no time during or after did I ever think that I would have been better off if I had never been born. At no time was death a preferable alternative. I am the face of the abused child all grown up.
People don't like to feel guilty and will do just about anything to not feel bad. I understand this impulse. The thought of children who are being harmed in some way is unpleasant and easier to ignore than to admit, but we are here.
The next time you hear someone try to dismiss the problem by saying those children would be better off dead, tell them what you now know. The majority of abused children grow up to live lives that look like any other life. We learn to deal with our pain and to forgive those who hurt us and move on with our lives. Tell them that even worse than being abused is being murdered. If that doesn't convince them that their "better aborted than abused" rhetoric is wrong, then tell them to come over here to where I sit with my wonderful husband and our beautiful children. Let them come and see the great life we have built for ourselves, look me in the eye and tell me that I would be better off dead. Let them come and tell me to my face.
20 comments:
That takes a lot of courage to say, Rebecca, but it needs saying, so thank you. I have a tremendous amount of respect for you.
Those who think dead is better than abused are only trying to justify the unjustifiable.
God said, "Behold, I make all things new."
Sometimes I wonder who I would be had I not been abused as a child. I abused my own kids. The cycle did get broken eventually. God was bigger than the mistakes my parents made and bigger than my own mistakes, too. Otherwise I couldn't hold my head up.
Oh, Rebecca, so beautifully said. My mother and mother-in-law were abused, unwanted children. Everyday I get to look on the faces of children who are here today, despite the abuse their grandmothers suffered. I am so grateful and blessed!
God bless you for your bravery!
Thank you.
For the "rape" exception-- a friend in the Navy was born of rape.
Yeah, tell her to her face that she should be dead....
I,have no thoughts for/against abortion. But I think it is the mothers choice on the subject.I don't think women go through abortion as a method of birth control. It must be a hellish decision to take.
Anonymous--you are right about one thing: it is a hellish decision to kill one's own baby. Women who do so are plagued for many years and go into deep depression, some abuse alcohol or drugs and others cannot keep good relationships. Abortion kills one and wounds the other. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but it isn't. It never is. I have never seen a woman go through the procedure and come out fine. Some who abort act like it was no big deal, but when one looks at their lives, it's easy to see that they are drowning in despair over what they did.
Love, Suzanne
It sounds like you do have thoughts for abortion because it is not a choice to be made. Should we have the choice to take the life of another living being?
Thank Rebecca for sharing your life with us!
To the person who is not for or against abortion: Please do all you can to learn what abortion is before you decide that a mother can make the choice to kill her baby. Here is a good resource that is not afraid to show what abortion is:
http://www.priestsforlife.org/images/index.aspx
You are in my prayers, Loretta
From the survivor of childhood sexual abuse and then rape in my teens (leading to a pregnancy scare and the possibility of having to make such a decision)... thank you for this post. You had the guts to speak up and say what so many of us only wish we could say publicly. (Me? I'm only too happy to do it anonymously on your blog!!) I am very happily married with a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby, and am happier than I have ever been. Should I have been killed off too? Oh, and given that my immediate family know nothing about the abuse that I suffered... should they have killed me on the chance that maybe possibly one day I might be abused? I for one am glad they took their chances with allowing me to live. :-)
By this logic we shouldn't imprison people who abuse their own children to death, we should give them an award for abuse prevention.
If that was supposed to be funny "bearing" it wasn't. You seem to be suggesting that the POSSIBILITY of being "abused to death" justifies murdering innocent babies. No one who wrote those comments about childhood abuse wants to give awards to their abusers. You might want to read a little more carefully before commenting. Those who DID survive abuse are happy to be alive. Happy to have the wonderful life they now lead. Happy not to have been killed and/or murdered in the womb (iow aborted) Did some have problems as a result? Of course they did. Many, if not most, seem to have forgiven their abusers--which is good for them NOT an award to the abusers. Forgiveness helps one let go of bitterness and not let hate control their lives. You might want to try it.
L.
L., You have read Bearing wrong. She is a long time reader/commenter, so I am sure of it. She is saying that the world seems to reward those who abuse their children to death, seeing it as preferable to waiting until they're born to abuse them.
There is praise for those who abuse them before birth and condemnation for those who abuse them afterwards.
I just want to say that L. is not me, I will always sign my comments -Loretta
Ah, Mom! I see it now! I have to admit at being befuddled by Bearing's comment, but reading it with your explanation makes sense!
I love you for this post. I lost my childhood to a psychopath who didn't even have the decency to get drunk before he tortured me. At the time that I was being abused I admit I did wish to die and the only thing that kept me from suicide was the fear of what would happen in the afterlife. I've spent years struggling with an eating disorder I developed will being abused in an attempt to keep control over something in my life. Now that I've come out the other side I can say with conviction that I am glad I was born even with all of my suffering because now I can help prevent others from going through the same thing I did.
God Bless!
Thank you Rebecca. More who have suffered abuse should speak out to say they are still grateful to be alive.
My daughter and I would both have been good candidates for abortions due to birth defects in one case and a disastrous family situation in the other.
Fortunately for my daughter's club soccer team, we weren't killed.
:-)
I am the product of rape AND a botched abortion. My biological mom abandoned me. I went through childhood sexual abuse and rape as a teenager. Yet, out of all of this, I was raised by two wonderful parents, graduated high school with honors, went to college, married a dear man, and have five sweet children, two of whom I get the joy of raising on earth. It breaks my heart to hear people justifying murdering babies. The child is not to blame for the sins of the world.
Oh I think I love you! No, I do love you!
I was born to a teen mother (thank God) 4 years after RoeV.Wade. I was sexually abused until I hit my teenage years.....I hit some really rough times, but I made it through.
I turned out to be a damn good woman! I have a fight instinct in me that no one can take away from me! I have been there, done that and learned to tell about it.
To tell you the truth as horrible as my younger years were, I wouldn't take it back. I learned so much. I learned compassion, I learned how to fight, I learned about God, I learned how to speak out in the face of wrong, I learned how to forgive, especially my abuser, I learned most importantly that God can make all things new, I see it time and time again as He works on me.....Oh I learned so much!
I'm so glad I'm here and I would still choose my life of suffering if I had to do it all over again!
I need to suffer and I'm not afraid of it, even though I complain about it! hahahahaha
I tell my story to anyone who will listen! :)
I am pro-life because my mother chose life when she didn't have to and her circumstances warranted that I be killed.
My parents were early twenties stoners who also were alcoholics. I was abused. My sisters were abused. My mother was beaten in front of all of us well into my teens.
I am right there with you, Rebecca. I am sick and TIRED of the pro-choicers saying we should kill children instead of help them. Why is the solution never to get kids out of these situations? How exactly does murdering the unborn stop the rapists? How does it stop the abusers? IT ENABLES THEM to continue. How about we stop giving a million dollars a day to Planned Parenthood and use it to find foster kids homes? How about we help out struggling moms?
Come say it to my face!
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