I went to a baby shower last weekend for a young mom in her early 20s. I was at least 10 years older than anyone else in the room. They never treated me as the old lady. It was very nice of them.
They asked if I had any advice for young moms-to-be from someone who has been there a few times. I love that they asked. I am not a medical professional. I am just a woman who has had 8 pregnancies. This is what I have learned.
If you are an experienced mom, feel free to chime in.
You are a unique individual. What is the norm for 90% of the population may not be true for you at all. Learn to listen to your own body and your own instincts as much as you listen to medical personnel. If something doesn't sound or feel right, speak up.
Be friendly with the nurse who is assigned to care for you. She can be your biggest advocate and help. We all work harder for people we like. Nurses are no different.
Make the decision not to care if you offend the doctors or hurt the nurses feelings. It is your body. You deserve to be comfortable with any procedures being done to you. If you're not comfortable, they need to explain it until you are. You have the right to never be comfortable and just say 'no'. They have to respect the decisions you make for your own care. If they don't, you have the right to have someone else take care of you. Ask for the some one else.
Be open minded enough that you can be persuaded if you need to be.
If you know that you can't speak up,hire a doula. She'll have the knowledge and expertise Let your husband take care of you emotionally. Let her ask all of the nosy questions you can't bring yourself to argue about. She'll have the knowledge you don't and a relationship with the hospital staff already in place. Alternatively, bring your nosy, bitchy friend. We all have one. Make sure she's already had a couple of kids so that she knows what she's talking about. Give her permission to ask anything she wants to know and to demand answers.
Your husband, your friend, your mom, and your doula are not in your body. They can't know what you are feeling unless you speak up and tell them. Labor always looks scary and painful to new dads, so don't expect him to instinctively know that you are in more pain. You have to tell him. If he doesn't get it, tell anyone who walks into the room. You'd be surprised how quickly the janitorial staff will get someone to help you.
Unless you have medical reasons for needing one, you don't necessarily need an IV, an epidural, or an episiotomy. If you don't want one, talk to your doctor or midwife before you go into labor. You have a better chance of getting someone to listen when you are calm and rational. It's hard to get people to consider you to be rational if you are in active labor. You may be completely rational, but good luck getting anyone to realize that.
When I was in labor with #1, the nurse tried to stretch my cervix to get me to deliver faster. It was excruciating and tore my cervix. There is a difference between discomfort and excruciating pain. If you are crawling backwards up the bed to get away, tell her to get her hand out of there and DEMAND another nurse. Put your foot in the middle of her chest and push her away if you have to, firmly but gently. I don't care where the doctor wants to be or when he wants to be there. If he wanted to live by a schedule, he should have been a dermatologist.
Don't give in to the pressure for pitocin just to speed things up. Have them explain their reasoning, then make your own decision. There are valid uses for pitocin. A 4 o'clock tee time is not one of them.
From the very beginning, your baby is your baby and you are his mom. There is nothing done within the first few moments after he is born which cannot wait (unless there are medical issues). You may tick off the baby nurse by not handing over your newborn to be weighed, measured and what-not right away. This is your child. You get to say 'No'.
If you want to catch your breath before you hold the baby, it does not make you a bad mom to let them do all the medical stuff before you hold the baby. Catch your breath if you need to do it. There are no hard and fast rules for this mothering thing. Do what feels right for you in the moment and make no apologies.
If you want the baby in your room, you or your husband should go with him when he goes anywhere and make sure he is brought quickly back. It doesn't mean you are an overprotective or crazy mom. #3 once spent 4 hours in the nursery because the nurse forgot to bring him back and then shift change happened and he couldn't go anywhere until the new shift had been briefed.
If you would rather your newborn spend the night in the nursery so that you can recover from giving birth and catch a bit of sleep before you take him home, he'll be fine in the nursery. It doesn't mean you don't love him. He will be fine. Just make sure that if you are breastfeeding you give instructions as to whether or not he can be given a bottle as you sleep or if you would rather he be brought to you to eat.
Don't assume that doctors or lactation consultants know everything about breastfeeding.
Don't assume that your doctor is supportive of breastfeeding. If it is important to you, stand your ground against formula unless it is medically necessary. Make sure you agree that it is medically necessary.
If you are breastfeeding, invest in a baby scale to reassure yourself that he's getting enough to eat. Educate yourself as to what is normal weight gain. Don't freak out if your baby is outside of the "perfect norm."
There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby formula. Generations have been raised on it. Your baby will be fine.
Decide ahead of time if you want visitors at the hospital or at home. Be honest with family and friends about what you want. It is okay to change your mind once the baby is here.
Ask questions about everything. Don't accept the staus quo just because people tell you "This is the way we do this." You are responsible for this little person and you are responsible for you. Make sure that both of you are treated with love and respect.
The bottom line is that you are a grown woman now. These are adults talking to another adult. Remember that. They are not better than you, they just have more education about medicine. You are the expert on you. Talk to them that way. Expert to expert.
You are a strong and powerful woman. Give yourself permission to be that woman.
If things don't go the way you thought they would, learn from it and move on. It's really all about you, your husband, and your sweet baby.
14 comments:
I love this! I'm bookmarking it for reference later...
oh, and I LOVED your post below! your blog is so real and I love it!
Thanks for this!! Great things that I will be reflecting on in the next few months :) Wonderful gems of advice as per usual!
I enjoyed this post.
What is funny, with my #1 I had a single female intern. Believe me a woman doctor with no personal experience at child birth is any more simpathetic than a male doctor. However, I found it strangely comforting to know that I was her first "solo" birth, while I was having my first. We kind of had a discovery commeraderie that I never had with another doctor. Funny thing--she gave my husband a stack of prescriptions, one of which was a number of condoms. While I was not yet Catholic, it made my cradle Catholic husband almost fall on the floor laughing.
Along with those rights--speak up and ask them to keep the door closed to the delivery room. My #1 was born in a teaching hospital and there were several women giving birth that day, so labor rooms were at a premium. These young male airmen (teenage Air Force personnel) kept coming in the room for supplies and questions will my legs are up in the air while I was being stitched up. Believe me, if I hadn't been so out of it, I would have screamed my bloody head off for privacy. (I actually can be that bitchy friend for you ;-) Ask my husband.)
Follow "the Mom"'s advice about listening to your own body. I've given birth 5 times. Not once were the hospital staff right about how long labor would take. With #4, I barely made it to the labor room. Because they always give me a hard time about being "only 3 centimeters" I waited as long as possible before going--writing checks for bills before I went (talk about control freak). I was in the hospital less than an hour when I had her. The doctor said I had several hours yet, and went home to take a nap! In his defense he had been at the hospital for over 12 hours already and it was around midnight when I got there. No, he wasn't there when my daughter was born. But like I said they don't usually listen to the woman, after all they're the experts, right?
Anyway, great post. I didn't mean to be so long. God Bless.
Great post! I've had 5 children - no new advice to add but I second everything - especially all of the "listen to your body" advice!
I have birthed eight, and I think you are right on the money! Love these common sense posts!
As a dad with only 1 so far... a lot of this rings sooo very true, and you presented it in a very fair way.
As a pretty traditional and conservative dad I want to emphasize one point: GET A DOULA.
I know, I know... might as well buy some granola, birkenstocks, and a subaru while you are at it right? Wrong. As a first time dad, in a non-traditional 1st birth situation... we had a doula, actually 2. (long story). It was the best thing for ME... and honestly, I think they are a bigger help to the DAD than anyone. They were the voice of both logic and emotional control.
Mom's and Mom's-to-be should bookmark this post and use it when it comes time!
So funny and so true. I love the one about pushing your nurse away. Well, my husband did! Actually it wasn't the nurse but a resident and my husband shoved her because she was bracing her foot on my rear to pull the babies head out! Super long story, hmm maybe a post!
Great advice for all new moms and dads to be!
And how about this one: After it's all over, keep the labor "war stories" to yourself. While people may listen politely, nobody is really interested in anything but the cute final product, and the hoary details only serve to alarm people who haven't yet had the experience.
So do you need an iv if you think an epidural is going to be needed. :) It's my first and I don't expect to go into this thinking I'm going epidural free with not knowing what to expect. ;) I'm going to go as long as I can but am prepared for whatever happens, happens.
What about that gooey stuff they put on the babies eyes. I'm vain, personally I hate the way it looks, I know, is it needed. :) I know vanity, vanity, vanity. ;)
Do they give the baby sugar water or something I heard and that is not necessary?
If a night in the nursery is okay then would a bottle through the night be okay if you are ultimately going to breastfeed? I just don't know what to expect so I guess being prepared for it all is good.
How painful is it? I mean is it the worse pain you have ever felt. I had stage IV endo for years and that was hell and then the surgery and bowelresection were I think the pit of hell. It was painful.
I hear at least you get breaks from contractions as you don't with endo?
I hear of a lot of episiotimies (sp?) when are they necessary? I really would like to avoid that at all cost. ;) hahaha
Do I need someone to teach me how to breastfeed like a lacation cosultant. Do they have those at the hospital or do I have to find one? Can I read a book?
I hear the first few weeks your nipples hurt and it's painful. Is that normal, should it be painful?
Very good advice. I would like to add, do be prepared, but trust in God and your body. Be firm about important stuff but realize that the unexpected does happen and you can't worry about and plan everything out before hand. You need to be able to think on your feet and keep your wits about you.
My first birth was a HORRIBLE experience with a pushy, crazy Dr who thought he was a priest so I learned to pick my Dr VERY carefully. When I had my 4th (all Cs) I had to room with a teen mom (and her LOUD baby daddy) who told me I was as old as HER mom. At first I was resentful of them for ruining my birth experience but she was having a hard time nursing and the baby was miserable so I gave her some verbal assistance and reassurance and when she left she politely thanked me for all the help. Sure I was ticked she roomed with me but in the end I was happy that God let me help this young girl. -Loretta
I'd like to chime in and say the BEST part of this post is the last paragraph: "If things don't go the way you thought they would, learn from it and move on. It's really all about you, your husband, and your sweet baby." Amen, Mom, Amen! I know too many first-time moms who want their "perfect" birth SO badly, they're crushed when anything doesn't go according to plan. I had an emergency c-section with my second child, and it saved our lives. That's the ulitmate goal of childbirth - getting to meet that precious little person!
To the "Sew" poster above, I won't answer ALL your questions because I'm sure you'll get tons of advice, but in regard to "how painful is it," the best advice I received when I had my first baby was from a friend who simply said, "Yes, it hurts, but I could do that again." And she was right - that was MY first thought as soon as my son was born - I really thought, "Oh. Yeah, I could do that again!" =) It may sound silly but I hope that helps! If you DON'T get tons of answers/opinions, feel free to email me.
Sew-
I welcome you to email me also.
I had an epidural for 3 of my five, one with a 'local', and one natural--not by choice, my daughter came too fast. The pain was my biggest fear too. I intended to go natural with my first, but went with the epidural well into the labor process. I had a lot of "back pain." I have a lot of back pain with my periods, that is supposed to be an indicator. The medicine helped me relax and get on with having a baby.
I did not have the greatest experience breastfeeding but I did breastfeed all five. Don't let that scare you. Pain is temporary and goes away. I'm talking a few days of pain over a year of breastfeeding. I had a couple of factors against me--1) First time mom over 30, 2) Redhead complexion. Red heads, so they tell me, have more sensitive skin. 3) (Excuse me if this is TMI) small nipples. Only baby was supplemented with a bottle, but that is because we travelled alot. There are different symptoms associated with not breastfeeding, so just be aware of those also. Once you make the decision don't let anyone talk you out of it or make you second guess yourself. Like the Mom said, 'Do want feels right for you.'
My advice is to repeat to yourself, "This will pass". Once you have your beautiful son/daughter it will more than make up for the temporary pain. After what you've experienced, it should be a 'walk in the park'.
Thanks for the info!! I will definitely keep this in mind when it's my turn. I remember being at the hospital when my sister was in labor. It was so frustrating listening to the doctor pressuring my sister in to an epidural. She was at a 5 and didn't need one and the anesthesiologist (sp?) said he couldn't come back for a while if he left without giving her one. She's nicer than me and I remember thinking when I'm in labor I better state my request once and that better be it...until I change my mind (which she did later on)!
This is so complete and perfect, I think I shall print it and place it inside the next card I send out for an expectant mom. You are a truly gifted lady:)
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