The boxes have begun arriving at our house, all the wonderful boxes filled with new school books. Every few days, the UPS man knocks on my door with another package of treasures. My children eagerly dig through the contents and exclaim with delight over the wonders that the new school year will bring. It is a mini-Christmas in the middle of the Summer. I'm a book nerd. My children are book nerds. We love books in the mail.
#3 has looked in every box with a hint of bewilderment. Yesterday he started to cry because there was nothing in the mail for him. His books are waiting inside another classroom. He turned his tearful gaze toward me and asked why there was nothing for him. "Don't you want me to be smart, too?"
Oh, my darling boy, I don't know how to explain it to you any more ways. How do I make you understand that I am not sending you away? How do I make a new backpack and pencils seem as exciting as science books and history texts? What words can I say which will make the newness not scary but become exciting possibilities? How many more ways can I explain to you what school is? What words will explain it all?
I watched a little girl in Target last week jumping up and down in excitement about starting school. I want that excitement for him. I want him to feel loved, cherished and protected... when that has always meant keeping him home and at my side....How do we change the definition?
I am having all the heart pain which most mothers have over kindergartners or babies in day care. It took me 14 years of motherhood to get to a "First Day of School". It is a place I never wanted to see. A pain I had hoped never to feel.
I'm getting to the place of getting tired of my own tears and my own agonizing. It is time to simply grab the camera, drive him to class, take pictures in front of the school, meet his teacher, walk away, cry all the way home, and then trust God to sort it all out. I just wish I knew it was going to be all right, that we had made the right decision. Is a little note too much to ask? I have the email now, God could shoot me a short one. I have a cell phone, He could call. It would help to put the joy back in learning and make it once again my favorite time of the year.
***P.S. To my prayer buddies--To the one praying for me-I trust your assignment is clear? :) To the one I'm praying for-I'm offering it all up for you, you lucky girl.***