A friend of mine (mom of 7) and I (mom of 6) were talking this morning about babies and pregnancies and those emotional phone call we have made to each other as we waited for pregnancy test results and the mixed emotions either way.
As moms of big families, we feel a pressure from our social circle to always be thrilled with each pregnancy test the moment that it is positive. We're pro-life and somehow that should translate into pro-baby-right-now, but it doesn't always. I don't know how to explain the sinking feeling of a positive pregnancy test on a tired an overwhelmed mother. The joy of expectation follows within moments, but that first gulping breath of fatigue.....
My friend and I have been each other's support as those tests were first looked at. We've listened over the phone to the slow exhale. We've said "I'm so sorry" as the tears welled in each other's eyes. It's never the baby we're sorry for, but the crush of responsibility on an already burdened life. What else can you say when what seemed like not a bad possibility 2 weeks ago seems insurmountable now?
As the tears dry and reality sets in, a bubble of joy rises up from within the middle of us, and moments after we said "I'm sorry" we begin to laugh as we say "Woo-hoo! Congratulations!" But it would be wrong to pretend that the sorrow was not there too, or that a negative test would not have brought a measure of relief.
Our way of life is so often condemned by the world, that we put up a united front and pretend that no child is ever a burden, but we are human and sometimes they are...even if it is only for a moment...even if it longer than that.
Mothers of large families are not super-human. We don't have more patience. We don't have more of anything than anyone else. We simply have allowed God to be in charge of our lives....the whole of our lives...No matter how scary that can sometimes be, and the rest of the world needs to know that it sometimes is.
18 comments:
Again, Amen.
Thank you for your honesty. Babies are blessings but they are also huge responsibilities. You have acknowledged that.
Wow. Yeppers. With only 5 here, I still get that.
When we conceived #6 (who we later lost at 11 wks), I was thrilled...and...not so thrilled. I'll be honest, there are times when those "not so thrilled feeling" memories do nothing for the "missing my baby" feelings. We had just moved, my DHs VA disability had not been finalized yet, and I had 5 children already, 8 and under (incl a set of 18 mos old identical twin boys).
Would we have adjusted? Shoot yes. But it would have taken those 9 mos to get us there...
((HUGS))
This is a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for sharing this!
Amen.
We aren't super-human. We are just women following God's plan for us. Sometimes reluctantly.
However, no matter the reluctance there is always joy that can only come from following God's will.
I think that's the hardest part, that the rest of the world has such a critical eye turned toward us that we feel that the slightest hesitation will bring on more than a lion's share of horrible comments aimed at our children, our sanity, our marriage, our faith and our fertility that we have to, no matter what, plaster on a smile. Even as we are quietly working out the logistics of vehicles and car seats, dressers and beds in our heads we have to be full of some sort of exaggerated joy and elation that wouldn't be expected of anyone else.
And then we have to be reminded of the joy by wonderful friends who are willing to say "I'm sorry" and "Congratulations!!!" in the same sentence!!!
Just got word about a friend who is expecting number eight.... Similar feelings to this post! The excitement will set in soon. :)
Love your honesty!
Goodness, with only ONE I was bloody terrified and wondering how we'd manage... very irregular income by my husband, 2+ years looking for me, no idea if using a flame thrower and aspirin the day before would hurt Kit, no idea how long I'd been pregnant because I hadn't had a cycle in years and I hadn't tested during Lent (only tested at all, once a month, so I could safely have a beer or a glass of wine)...
...
*hugs*
Humans are human. It's rather brave of you to admit this so openingly!
My saintly mil (mother of 8 (in 11 years) and grandmother of 68...is thrilled with every grandchild but many a time after telling her via phone she follows her congratulations! up with "how are you doing with it?" and she doesn't mean "are you nauseous?" She gets it. I am eternally grateful for each and every one of my children but my stomach has sunk at the sight of that + on a HPT more than once. God is good giving us nine.whole.months to get used to the idea, adjust and come to boundlessly love that bump under our hearts. From that sinking feeling in September, by May I can't wait to meet the new little person.
So now, here I am with 9, really can't contemplate 10 (by my design or His) by any worldly logic but it breaks my heart to think I will never have another baby.
Just last night as my 2 year old was saying something cute to me I thought, I may/probably will only have one more two year old melting my heart (and driving me crazy). And it made me so sad.
Then there is the same two year old who is hollering "NOoooooo!!!" at a sibling right now and I think "I can't "do two" more than one more time!!"
I actually have wondered about this if there is a 2nd pregnancy for us...I wonder if the hardships I face now in this pregnancy, will be with the next pregnancy too and what my human reaction will be, it might not be pretty. ;) Obviously it isn't for some time but I understand these words now, even me, infertile for 5 years.....
But I came from a large family and I remember the weight of another child being added to the family but also the joy that erased it all. Somehow He makes it all better in the end, even when our immediate reactions is OH SH*&!
I'm so greatful for my pregnancy but I am counting down the days until it is over. I never thought I would say that either.... :) But here I am saying I'm so ready to be done. :)
I had this experience with my 2nd pregnancy... my husband was a full-time college student and I was unemployed, and lo and behold came a positive pregnancy test. I was terrified. Sadly, we lost that baby at 12 weeks and we were devastated, but the experience really taught us what it meant to be open to life (which is different from being overjoyed by each pregnancy). Thank you for this post!
"It's never the baby we're sorry for, but the crush of responsibility on an already burdened life." So true. So very true.
With each pregnancy I am always joyful and thankful for the baby, but I just DREAD the thought of another C-Section. I am very squeamish about medical stuff and also angry at my first OB who forced me into an operation. The only thing that helps me is to put it all back into God's care and ask Him for the graces I need to get through each day... So far He hasn't let me down. -Loretta
Well Said - The feelings are universal to me and my friends! (And there is only one Christian in the bunch!)
Those are the same feelings I had shared with you once, too. I know what you mean, especially as I approach my 50th birthday with no signs of relief of responsiblity or menapause in sight. ;-)
Laurie
Yes! I know exactly what you are saying. There have been a couple times my pregnancy buddy and I have cried and then laughed at that little positive sign, whether it was her turn or mine, or on two occasions both of us!
Hi from a mostly-lurker. =)
I appreciate this post too!Goodness, I only have three children ("only" three... while most of the world acts like three children is equal to 30 children), and I had the same feeling of dread for EACH of my VERY WANTED pregnancies. I was told not to have a third child (due to my heart condition), so it was terrifying, but I truly believed it was God's plan that this child exist, and letting Him be in charge was such a wonderful experience. And the child in question is a constant reminder of God's love to me!
But even with my first child, when we had been trying and waiting and hoping and praying we would FINALLY get pregnant, when I found out I was, I was both joyful AND petrified. I couldn't help but think, "What on earth have we done?" I think you hit the point - families open to life REALIZE the responsibility of parenting, but ACCEPT it as God's will. It's so scary to jump in, but so wonderful once you do!
Thank you for this post. We had four already before entering the Church and I've been nervous about handling more now that we're using NFP. And then I've been feeling guilty for feeling nervous and not entirely sure how I will go through another pregnancy, newborn stage, lack of sleep, etc. It's reassuring to hear that others have mixed feelings but persevere anyway.
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