The Lie That Teachers Tell

"We love #3 and want him to learn and succeed just as much as you do."

I've lost count of how many times I've been told this during this school year.  It is the stock answer to any complaint I make, on the rare occasion that someone actually replies.  I didn't believe it at the beginning of the year, and now it's just starting to p*** me off.

Here's the reality:

I have a child with an anxiety disorder.  The disorder manifests itself in his chewing of hard substances.  It doesn't matter to him whether these items are food or not.  He has been hospitalized for this.  It is a well-documented fact of his life, a fact of which the school district was made aware 3 1/2 months prior to his starting school.  We offered an easy remedy, ice.  His preferred thing to crunch and chew is ice.  We spoke with his teachers the day before school began and were promised that he would have it at all times.  We breathed a sigh of relief and believed them.  We were wrong to do so.

At the end of October, I got a frantic call from the school nurse.  My son had eaten the erasers and metal deals off of seven pencils.   He was never given the promised ice.  We should have checked up on him.  We were naive.  The Computer Guy and I live in a world where people give their word and mean it.  His teacher promised ice.  We had no reason to doubt her.  Except for the fact that she lied.

Once his health had already been put in jeopardy, I was told all of the "reasons" why she never followed through...they boil down to she didn't want to mess with it.  Without an IEP in place, she wasn't legally required to provide this basic safeguard for our son, so she chose to risk his life in the name of convenience.  It took a threat of legal action, numerous phone calls, and emails to the state superintendent of schools to get him temporary permission for a cup of ice.  In order to make it permanent, we have to have 2 meetings, a letter from his psychologist, letters from both of his MD's, and be able to prove that not having it would be an impediment to learning.  Who knew that ICE was a controlled substance?

Everyone I speak to on the phone gives me the same lie, "You need to remember, Mrs Frech, that we care about his health and safety just as much as you do."  

He is struggling in school.  He has significant learning disabilities including dyslexia and double vision.  Colored overlays help.  Printing worksheets on colored paper help.  Printing things large with space around them to compensate for the overlap caused by double vision help.  The schools know.  The teachers know.  The director of Special Services knows.  He gets none of this.  There is no IEP in place yet, so they are not legally required to hand him a piece of blue plastic to help him read, so they don't.  Even though I've brought them one.  Even though I've provided enough blue paper for the whole class.  Even though he's failing every subject.  They're not legally required and so they don't.  Helping him learn is a bother and an inconvenience.

When I can actually get hold of someone on the phone or in person they lie to me and say, "You need to remember, Mrs Frech, that we want him to succeed in school and to learn just as much as you do."

I'm offended by the lie.  They do not care for his safety and his education as much as I do.  If they did, his teacher would , come in an hour early, stay 2 hours late, talk him through every math problem, coach him through his handwriting, and just help him every step of the way.  They don't, which is okay.  I don't ask them to do this for him.  It's my job because I'm his mom, but if they're not willing to do it, then they do not want it just as much as I do.  

The truth (and I'm not sure why they don't just state it out loud, because I have no problem with the truth) is that this is a job for them.  Teaching my son is their job.  His teacher went to college and majored in education for whatever her reason was.  She might like children, think she's good at teaching, want the summers off....I don't really care what the motivation was.  She goes to the school every day and attempts to teach 28 third graders because it is what she gets paid to do.  She doesn't want to jump through extra hoops because they are a pain in her a** and she'd rather not unless she has to.  That's fine with me, just be up front about it.  I would have kept him home until this semester was over and the IEP was in place.  We would not have begun this adventure without it.

Parents need to be told the truth and not pretty-sounding lies.  If they had just said to us "We will teach him if we can.  We will do the minimum (in our opinion) required to keep him safe. We will help him all we can as long as it's not an imposition on our time and we feel like it that day.  We will do nothing more unless you come with a lawyer, a court order, and copious amounts of medical records."  His father and I would have given them whatever they asked.  Because to us he's not a bother or an imposition.  There is nothing too great for me to provide it for him.  There are no obstacles I won't master in pursuit of his best interests.  I would give everything that I am and have to help him thrive, learn and succeed.  If they can't, won't or unwilling to meet that high bar...then they should stop lying to me.  Until they are honest with me, we're not on the same team.  We're adversaries, just as they seem to want us to be.