I'm frequently asked what I'll miss the most about Oklahoma. I smile and say all of the socially acceptable things they expect me to say. "I'll miss our family." "It will be tough to leave such great friends." "Our life has been here, so it will be interesting to have to start it over."
I never tell the truth. It's breaking my heart. I'm leaving my babies. We have two children buried in this state. One who was miscarried and one who was stillborn. The baby we had named Noah is buried beside his great-grandparents. Leaving him is easier because he is not alone and forgotten. The Computer Guy's family still attends services at the Lutheran church right next door. Our boy is with family.
But our Bernadette....our daughter's body is buried in a small Catholic graveyard where there is no longer any church. The only people who go there go to clean the graves of their relatives, as I have done for her many times. We have wonderful friends living near there who stop by from time to time and clear off her headstone, but they are moving a few months after we do. She will be alone among strangers.
I know that it is just her body and that her soul has gone on. I try to tell myself that we will be reunited someday, that I will see her sweet face again. It doesn't matter to me. Tending her grave is all the mothering I've ever done for our girl. Pulling weeds, wiping off dirt and planting a few flowers are all I will ever get to do for her.
My baby is buried here. In leaving Oklahoma, I am having to walk away and leave her behind again. I did it once on a hot day in July after her father placed that achingly small casket into the Oklahoma soil. The only time he held her in his arms was in a box at her burial. The only time I tucked her in was to drop dirt on her casket. This is all of her that we will ever have in this life.
Life is for those who are still living it, and moving to Texas is best for our family. I can accept that as fact. But how do we leave them? How do we leave her? How do we abandon Bernadette?
18 comments:
;( Right now this may not seem as possible...but from the outside looking in OK is not that far from Texas, to me...you may still be able to go, surely not as often, but still go. And, your other sweet children, surely they will want to go, visit, and tend to their sister. She is not alone.
And, one day, not only her brothers and sisters will visit but all her nephews and nieces.
What a beautiful post.
Yes, this was one of the hardest things for me when moved a couple months ago. But have no fear...she is not alone. She is buried in a Catholic graveyard, so she is buried with her family, her brothers and sisters in Christ. And trust that God will send people her way, to pray for her. I know our family prays for those buried in a graveyard every time we pass one; we're praying for souls like your daughter's...and your's. She is not alone, not her soul, and not her body; your girl is with family, too. There is some comfort in that.
You have tucked your precious baby in to the arms of our Lady. You have tucked her into the hand of God. That is the best and most perfect thing you can do for her. You aren't abandoning her.
I hope your heartache eases and the torture of your thoughts cease. She goes with you in your heart. That can never change.
My prayers go out to you.
I made it to the 3rd sentence of the second paragraph before the tears started. (But I am 34 weeks pregnant). Your little St. Bernadette will go with you all thru this life and welcome you in the next. -Loretta
I felt the pain and sincerity of this post acutely. I will pray for your broken heart. May God grant you consolation as you move to know that your beloved children are in His arms.
Oh, my heart aches. I have never thought of that situation and how painful it would be. I have our little "Felicity" buried by the Blessed Virgin and her rose bush nearby. I will be praying for you and for sweet Bernadette to comfort her mama.
I'm crying at this beautiful - and heartbreaking - post. Praying for you.
(((HUGS)))
I did this too! Praying for you!
Bless your precious suffering heart, Mom.
May Our Blessed Mother comfort you all your days as She does the Precious Innocents.
♥♥♥
I am sure there is a Mommy burried near who is so thankful your sweet Bernadette is there. Allow yourself to be comforted by God. Allow youself to be comforted by those God has given to you on Earth.
I never knew. I am sorry for your loss and the pain it still brings for you. If we could chat I would go by there and clean it for you.
Love and hugs.
I don't know if this is possible w/ this specific cemetery but my friend was able to move the small casket with her baby's body (she was 7 months along when baby died) to her new state of residence. Needless to say, this was amazing and so was so thankful. Would this be something you'd be ok with doing? Or how about moving that casket to wher Noah is buried? Just a thought. I can only imagine how tough this is on you..thank you for sharing with us and being so honest. May God give you strength.
God bless you,
Mary @ Cheerios
on the day we buried jedidiah his cousins blew bubbles. my sister used one of the empty bubble bottles and filled it with soil from his grave. i carry the tiny bottle in my purse.
maybe you could do that? that way you could hold the earth that holds bernadette.
Tears for you....
No answers just a hug and a prayer....
You're not abandoning your darling daughter. Geography means little when it comes to love - and you have so much to give. Bernadette will be with you in your thoughts and prayers and Our Lord and Our Lady will look after her so well. What an inspiration you and your husband are. If only more parents were like this. God bless you both and your dear family x
I would be glad to help out in any way. Let me know. Best wishes on your new venture. Peace be with you and yours.
I don't know how I missed this post, but my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry for the difficulty and pain. I can only imagine how hard this would be. Your 2nd to last paragraph really broke my heart- especially the part about tucking her in. Praise God that He will turn our mourning into dancing and bring beauty from ashes. Much love, friend.
P.S. On a more practical note, can you ask a close friend to visit her for you? If not, I have a dear friend that I KNOW I could ask on your behalf.
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