I took part in an interesting and enlightening chat on facebook tonight. A childhood friend of mine and I were discussing life and people. Well, one talked and the other listened.
The "talker" said that she has a spouse she loves and a family she adores and yet they hesitate at times to be seen together in public. The whole family's being together opens them up for stares, whispers and rude comments. She has been screamed at more than once in front of her children by crazy people who called her lifestyle immoral.
The family went to dinner the other night as a treat to them all and sat quietly as people pointed and stared at their little group. She wondered a thousand times why they hadn't just ordered pizza and eaten at home instead of running the gauntlet of whispered (and not so whispered) rude comments about their family.
Trips to the grocery store could be brutal, she said, because zealots and fanatics make it their business to loudly proclaim judgment over the private sex life which was so publicly displayed just by their being together in one place.
She said that she is constantly judged by the way she looks. People look her over, up and down, and then decide that she's not the "right kind" of people. She stands out in a crowd of ordinary as decidedly not, and bears the burden of that.
But mostly, it's about the sex. It's about other people deciding that they have the right to decide with whom and how things....come together....as though those private moments between two people somehow include and need the approval of anyone else.
My friend from childhood is a lesbian, but it was me telling the story. You see, we both lead alternative lifestyles. We are just at opposite ends of the spectrum. She lives with her beloved Rose and the child they adopted, and I live with my husband and our 7 children and have a sex life which defies society's rules in our refusal to contracept. We are both derided and ridiculed by society for the lives we lead.
People of good morals and conscience can differ over political issues, but we should realize that we have something in common too. On both sides of the political fence, where my friend and I find ourselves, we both just want people to let us live our private lives the way we choose and stay out of our bedrooms. Isn't it funny where you can find common ground if you just sit down and chat for a bit?
(I'm not trying to start a comment war about the morality/immorality of the way anyone is living. I just found the similarities in our experiences of discrimination to be interesting and thought provoking. After all, when you strip it away, no one is convinced of the validity of anyone's argument by yelling, rudeness and insults. We are all people who deserve a basic respect as human beings created in the likeness and image of God. Even the people whose lifestyles we don't like are created in His image. It's easy to forget that when we see them as political symbols instead of people. The truth is that when you strip the particulars away, jerks are still jerks and whether you are "right" or not doesn't change the being a jerk part.)
15 comments:
What a fascinating way to look at it! You totally got me with your reveal, and I had to go back and read it again. Very thought-provoking, much like your "Unsung Hero" post as well!
I don't think what is important is how you are the same, I think what is important is how you are different.
You are not "Choosing" to live your life the way "you" want to... you are just saying yes.
She is living her life the way she wants to, and saying no.
I do get what you are saying, and do empathize with you, and with your friend a bit. Unfortunately, once bitten, twice shy.
Wasn't finished...
But I am glad you are willing to be so personal on your blog. Something near and dear to me lately :) I think it is important to find ways to appreciate what we have and find the humanity in everyone, even through our sin. I think as Catholics, if we cannot separate the sin from the sinner, we have lost our ability to see humanity.
I think you get that, and I think this post proves it. We must not lost "people" in the tangles of culture and the world. If we see people as issues, ideas, and concepts... we not only have lost our focus on what humanity is, but who God is. For as you said, we are all made in His image.
Joe,
My point wasn't about agreeing with one lifestyle or the other. It was what we do when we see that lifestyle out in the real world.
Pointing, staring, name-calling, and the like especially in front of our children should NEVER be okay. It's mean and it's rude and it would never convince me to change the way I live.
You still have a relatively small family, so you haven't yet had the word "breeder!" yelled at you from across the street or been accosted by the woman at Wal-Mart who wells that "because of people like you and your irresponsible breeding the planet is overburdened and going to die!" and I hope you never do.
We just thought the similarity of jerks on either end of the political realm were interesting. That's all.
That was my message. Don't agree with someone's choices. That's fine. But don't be a jerk about it.
One lifestyle is agains the laws of nature and one fulfills the laws of nature. I agree that we shouldn't be jerks, but as I have a sister and a cousin who are actively living a homosexual lifestyle, how would you suggest I handle the situation when my cousin continues to have IVF treatments and now has three children with her "wife." My sister, of course, thinks this is great and wonderful and totally acceptable expression of love between the two partners.
Wayne,
My mother raised me to believe that there is no excuse for rudeness. I firmly believe that. You can disagree with someone and be firm but polite.
I took debate in high school and college and learned quickly that rudeness will lose your argument every time.
That's my advice, state your opinion (since this is someone you know)and be clear about your reasoning but remember that there are very real human emotions involved so be kind.
Pointing, staring, name-calling, and the like especially in front of our children should NEVER be okay. It's mean and it's rude and it would never convince me to change the way I live.
I agree.
@Wayne: The whole point of the Mom's post is that even if you think someone's sexual/reproductive lifestyle is wrong, it's still not something you need to "handle." If your sister or your cousin asks for your approval, assistance, or advice, then feel free to politely and kindly explain your opposition.
What I think she said can be boiled down to this: Be as polite and loving to those whose lifestyles you disapprove of as you are to those whose lifestyles you approve of.
Amen!
I am a firm believer in the Golden Rule. "Those in glass houses should not throw stones" so I choose to wait until I am perfect to cast judgement upon others.
My mother more than once has stated "Love the sinner, Hate the sin." It's amazing how often that choice can help a situation and remind you of the human being underneath it all... even in your own family. Accepting people for who they are- even when I don't agree- has made me so much happier.
Why do people feel the need to judge or curse others?
IF the planet does die due to one's large family, then at least one is surrounded by one's loving family. Really, it's amazing sometimes, when it's not hurtful, what people say.
What I do when I see 'that lifestyle' out in the culture is turn my head and say a prayer of reparation. I also shield my kids from it to avoid scandalizing them, but I'd never confront someone, too many people pack heat. -Loretta
Actually, Christians are called to judge, but "judge" doesn't equate to rudeness and cruelty, nor is it appropriate to make a public restaurant or amusement park or what have the the proper place in which to judge.
I must admit that both you and your friend have made choices resulting in your unwarranted public attention.
Think for a minute how it would feel to have the public attention and public comments when a special needs non-verbal 10 year old who appears 'normal' behaves in a way others don't understand - or flat out misbehaves.
My message to everyone - You are not "in charge" of anyone's life but your own.
Anon,
I don't have to imagine it. I have enough friends whose reality is as you describe that I have seen it up close and personal.
The bottom line is to just treat other people with respect no matter what craziness you think might be going on there. You might be wrong or you may be right, but either way it's none of your business.
This is a great post. I've seen such nastiness on all sides. 1 Corinthians 13... without love, you have nothing. And pointing, staring, screaming, turning someone into a statements instead of honoring them as a human being... yeah, not loving!
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