When I was growing up, I wouldn't have dreamed of calling any of the adults in my life by their first names. It don't even thing I knew that my best friend's mom was named Susan until I was in Jr High.
In our new neighborhood, the children call all of the adults by their given names. Their parents introduce me to them by saying "Rebecca, this is our daughter (trendy name). (Trendy name) this is Rebecca." I cringe every time. Then I smile sweetly, extend my hand and say "Hi (trendy name), I'm Mrs Frech." Conversation usually stops for a moment as everyone looks at me.
In a society where parents are trying desperately to be friends with their own children and their children's friends, it has become "normal" for children to think of and address adults as their peers. These children aren't my peers or my friends. They play at my house, eat the snacks I make, and tease and joke in my kitchen. I like these children, and love having them around, but they aren't my friends so I insist that they call me Mrs Frech.
I think we lost something as a society when we began blurring the lines between childhood and adulthood. The children I see who first name grown ups seem to be confused about who is in charge. They are the children who argue, whine, wheedle and try to negotiate about everything that isn't exactly their own way. It's exhausting to be around them. There is a lack of authority from the grown-ups and respect from the kids.
Respect, authority, esteem (other than self-), and honor seem to be dirty words these days. Children aren't taught to say "Yes Ma'am" or "No Ma'am". They aren't taught how to speak to adults or that it should be different than the way they speak to their playmates. They grow up to be young adults who treat their college professors and bosses in the same manner they would their drinking buddies. When they reach adulthood and a little deference would help them, they find that it's not something they can do because they've never learned how.
That's why I'm no longer answering to 'Rebecca' for any of the neighborhood kids. You may call me old-fashioned or out of step, but I'm the grown-up so you can also call me Mrs Frech.
*****I recently learned that when my husband talks about my to people I haven't yet met, he refers to me in the honorific. "Let me call Mrs Frech and see what she thinks about that." He insists that these strangers give me the esteem he feels I deserve. Why would I allow the neighbor's five year old to speak to me in any way that's below the respect afforded me by my husband?
31 comments:
We Westerners should/could learn something from you.
OMGOSH, I was just today thinking of this very subject! I was about to meet a new friend of my ten-year-old son, who is part of a family I've never met. I planned my intro, making sure I got to him before his mom did (not sure what her position would be). When I met the boy, I quickly stuck my hand out and said, "Hi (trendy name), I'm Mrs. Miller! Nice to meet you!"
He and his mom didn't say a word or lift an eyebrow or miss a beat, so I am hoping they got the point.
When I was a new mom, my best friend and I started using our first names with the kids. About three years into it, we wised up and thought "What the heck are we doing?!" It was Mrs. Miller and Mrs. So and So, from that very day forward. Now, in my circles, and even in the kids' schools, it's always Mrs. and Mr., never first names. I hear tell this "first name for adults" business still happens (and you have confirmed it), but you know, if you start the trend back to respect, you might find that the rest of the neighbors don't mind so much!
Maybe they will even start going along with it in their own lives!
Here's hoping!!!
LOVED this post! I am a fairly new mom still (my baby's first birthday is Wednesday), but I'm starting to realize that all of my friends who happen to be mothers refer to me by my first name to their children...and I don't know where that ends. I can see being an honorary "aunt" to a child if I'm very close to his or her mother (my mom did that with a couple of her closest friends), but just plain Louise? Like you said, we're not their friends. Here's hoping that I can get up the courage to insist on "Mrs." as you have! :)
As a teacher I will forever be Mrs. So and so, although I've told my students can call me by my first name when they turn 18, but no one has taken me up on my offer.
Growing up in a traditional Asian household, I was taught to refer to older adults as either aunt or uncle or Mr or Mrs. I have a hard time first naming my principal!
I don't need to be on such a friendly basis with choldren. I have peers to first name me, little kids shouldn't!
Amen!! LOVE this post!
We are firmly in the "Miss _____" belt. Back East the only "Miss ______" are dance and gymnastic teachers. I've got children in my life that call me Karen, Miss Karen, Mrs. K______ and Ma'am. I would fall off my chair if any of the CAP kids called me anything other than Ma'am and would have the same reaction if dd's bff that I have known since she was 6, called me Mrs. Kuplack. It's probably a 50/50 split on the homeschool and neighborhood friends calling me Miss Karen or Mrs. __________.
I am not a fan of first name basis and don't encourage it but it doesn't get under my skin, TBH although I understand and agree with the reasons adults don't care for it, it just isn't a hill I'm going to die on. Dh?
None of the kids friends would call him anything other than Mr. K_________, I don't think it would even cross their mind.
I llllooovveee the kids that use Ma'am and Sir like a reflex. They wouldn't think to answer a question or get your attention any other way. It's like a breath of fresh air.
We dropped the ball with the older kids..a very casual East Coast early years but I want my youngers to have that reflexive Sir and Ma'am reaction. It doesn't matter who they are talking to or what that adult may or may not prefer or any confusion. Sir and ma'am are always appropriate.
AMEN!! And really? Inviting "Rebecca" to your birthday party when you're three isn't nearly as cute as inviting "Mrs. Frwech"!
With some of the neighbor kids who have become like family, I am Mrs. Kim and my husband is Mr. Doug. Our kids refer to their parents the same way but only after being told by these parents that they shouldn't call them by their last name. But anyone associated with our school is Mrs. or Mr. Last Name only. A few of the teachers at the preschool level use their initials - such as Mrs. Q. I'm okay with the first name basis but only IF there is a Mrs. in front of it! It gets on my nerves when a kid simply calls me Kim.
Amen & completely agree... just one more little way we as a society are disrespecting life. Little drops, but then again even little drops will eventually fill the bucket to overflowing if there are enough of them ~
Wow the response to this is huge. I am glad to see it!
I agree! As a child, I so looked forward to being called Mrs. (whatever). It is a sign of respect for those adults around us (and of becoming an adult to some degree). Just like using manners in general shows courtesy. It also shows respect, education, and intelligence.
I have never heard the argument for deference "issues" as adulthood but I couldn't agree more.
I enjoy being called an aunt just as much as my married name. While I think it shows a "specialness" for non-relatives to call someone aunt, I think it speaks to the fractured state of families (primarily due to living in different parts); we shouldn't need to "replace" blood relatives with close friends. It's an unfortunate situation. On the other hand, I think NOT using familial titles of respect (e.g., aunt, uncle, etc.) devalues the family relationship between its members.
Lastly, I appreciate you blogging about this issue. Where I am living it is more common to use Ms. (first name) or just (first name). I have a hard time with it, but sometimes relent out of being tired of making a point. It is so nice to be inspired to carry on. Thanks! Maria
My kids use honorifics, no exceptions.
No kid calls me or my wife without using a title. Anything else, and you get a cold correction and a hairy eyeball. Nobody has ever tried it twice. ;)
--Nod
I've always been a "first namer" in a crowd of first namers, but this has given me some serious food for thought. I'll have to talk to DH about this.
I love this post! We have had a struggle to teach our foster boys some manners as they hadn't been exposed to any prior. We've had to teach the basics like "may I please have a snack?" or "may I please have something to drink?" as opposed to "HUNGRY!" and "THIRSTY!". We are also working on Miss or Mrs or Mr as well as yes, sir, etc.
Whew, I was raised that way by my family so I never gave any of it a second thought. This is a struggle trying to go back and teach the basics along with a myriad of other things!
Mrs. Frech, this is a great topic. I teach Catechism, and the kids all call me "Mr D" - only because it's easier and shorter than the full multi-syllabic one. Same goes for my piano students.
Your short anecdote reminds me of how I ought to be addressing Mrs D to others when kids are around.
Good for you!! We always grew up calling adults Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So, even our dearest family friends. I am 35 years old and I still can't call them by their first names. Not out of fear of disrespect, but because the dear memories I have of them are when they were called Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So.
While on the topic of names, might you be interested in posting on trendy, ridiculous children's names?
Jen in OK
Monica, I'm in the same boat as you and I'm not really liking the position. I want my kids to grow up with respect for all adults and refer, but I can't convince our friends that it would be better to go with mr. and mrs. The problem I have now, too, is that we have new neighbors who are not married and yet have two children. Mr. and Mrs. doesn't fly and I don't want to touch the "people with different last names who are Mom and Dad already" with my 3 year old.
I came from a culture that uses first name and patronymic for adults and never know what adults here expect my kids to call them so I always ask when we meet new people 'How would you like my children to address you?' Most prefer Mrs. First Name, I haven't yet met anyone who wanted to be addressed Mrs. Last Name, but if we do, we will definitely respect that.
Great Post!!!
We have always used Mr. & Mrs. as well as Miss first name and Mr first name for close friends...Aunt and Uncle also happen occasionally (unrelated God Parents), etc.
I'm going to have to talk to DH about honorifics when we are talking to those who do not know us...I like the Mr T....and Mrs, T approach. It reminds me of Pride & Prejudice...Mr. Bennet!!!
This is one thing I LOVE about living in Mississippi. In Missouri-I never once heard a kid use Mr. or Mrs. but down here it's completely expected. Most use Ms. First Name-which I am ok with since it's still sets adults apart from the kids.
And I can't stand when kids say "huh?" I said that my whole life but when I moved down here I heard everyone say "Ma'am?" and fell in love.
If we move back up north I'm gonna really miss the manners. Yes Ma'am, No Sir. I'll try to teach my kids to use them-but it will be hard without the support of all their other adults in their lives.
Fantastic!!!
I had friends at Ft. Meade who insisted they got to decide how their children addressed me. Huh. So I was "Miss Sarah" to just about every kid and most of those parents insisted my children address them as Miss or Mr. Fine enough, but we raised our kids to say Sir and Ma'am no matter what. Thank God my kids listened to us! I prefer Mrs. Oldham, but I'll take the lesser polite (but still marginally polite/respectful) Miss Sarah (even though it makes me feel like I haven't been married for 19 years). I will not respond to just Sarah . . . unless it's my husband or a friend. Telemarketers who call and ask for me by my first name? I tell them I'm MRS OLDHAM, because I do not know them.
ALL my kids friends call me Mrs. Donahue. ALL my RE students call me Mrs. Donahue. ALL the scout kids call me Mrs. Donahue. I am not their friend. I do not answer if they call me by my first name--ever. Somethimes they think I can't hear, but I ignore them or end up gently reminding them that my name is MRS. Donahue. I actually find that I get more respect from those kids than they give to other adults that let them call them Bill, or John, or Mary.
Excellent post!!
+JMJ+
If you feel so passionate about ALL children calling you Mrs. ________
more power to you.
I don't.
The only child that has ever disrespected me to my face or behind my back was the son of an Air Force chaplain who would never think to call me anything other than Ma'am.
I will take the child that considers me a second mother, who calls me when she feels nowhere else to turn and calls me by my first name over a young man who has all the right manners and then turns around and makes derogatory, crude comments about me to my son and his friends.
Titles and address are only part of a much larger picture.
This is a great topic! I do think it is important for kids to address adults with respect and using a first name is just too familiar, it doesn't do children ANY favors to treat them as little adults. My favorite thing is when the really little kids call me Mr. Brighton because they have trouble saying Misses. -Loretta
It seems like the sentiment of respect for adults is agreed upon by all, but we have to remember that titles are culture-bound. In our area, kids respectfully use Mr or Miss (first name). It seems (forgive me) a little snobbish to come into an area where this is the norm and have a haughty spirit towards the children for doing as they were taught.
Insisting on children using Mr. or Mrs. Last name is not unfriendly, snobbish, or haughty. Coming into an area where you are new and you don't follow the "custom" of having kids call you 'Miss first name' is not snobbish. Kids adapt and in most cases respect the wishes of the adult. If you're 'Miss First name' and you're neighbor is 'Mrs. Last name', I don't see how you're any less "snobbish" to insist she change to suit "local custom." Mrs. Last name is what she feels comfortable with and that should be respected by the other adults as well as the children.
First off, this isn't a an unfamiliar culture for me, I grew up here. This is new.
These children are not calling adults "Miss First Name" etc, they are calling adults by their first names without any title of respect preceding them.
K - I think your point about titles of respect being a part of a much larger picture is true, but I also think that the Mom is right: they are an important part of the larger picture. Giving one example of a child who called addressed you with a title and was still disrespectful to you doesn't invalidate this point. Titles, whether they are Mrs First Name or Mrs Last Name, are a mark of respect that make it easier for children and youth to see the difference between themselves and their elders/authorities.
That's awesome. I'm 27 years old and all my life I've only addressed anyone older than me as Mr. and Mrs. unless they personally give me permission to call them by their first name. I plan on raising my children in the same matter. It's about respect.
-LaToya
I grew up calling my parent's friends and teachers by their first names. I really don't think I was brought up with a lack of respect for adults or "confusion about who's in charge." As I've moved to other parts of the country, I've discovered that's really offensive to some people and try to be polite in my and my children's choice of words. But to me calling people Mr & Mrs feels very artificial and overly formal. So sometimes I just avoid using their names at all (did that with my mother-in-law when my husband and I were dating until we sat down and talked about it). The Miss ___ convention has been common some places, so we usually go with that to be in the middle, but it's overly formal for people who grew up like I did and not enough for others. All in all, it's probably best just to ask, but I end up awkward and flubbing it more often than not. Just a different perpective from someone who's really not meaning disrespect.
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