Wednesday, November 9, 2011

In Which I Gripe, Grouse and Complain

8 days of false labor.  8 days of contractions holding steady at 8 minutes apart.  I'm starting to lose my ever-loving mind here, and have just become a tad bit mean.  I have a few things I need to say out loud, and when I do I feel so guilty for being crabby over such minor things and want to donate money to charity to make up for my bad attitude....or go shoe shopping to cheer myself up.

Here's my list of complaints from today:
  • To the guy in the car with the loud stereo - I don't want to listen to your music.  If I did, I'd play it on my own radio.  It shakes my car, wakes up the two year old, and drowns out talk radio.  TURN IT DOWN!  Also, no matter how loudly you sing it, nobody wants to "lick you like a lollypop."
  • I hate overpasses.  Dallas has huge looping ones that cross over each other and look like spaghetti noodles in a bowl.  They lean and turn sharply like roller coasters.  I HATE THEM. They completely freak me out.  I have to turn the AC on at full blast to keep my hands from sweating as I drive over them.  The whole time I chant my mantra, "I hate this. I hate this.  I hate this." until I get back down to ground level.  The other day, while we were at the top of the scariest one we drive over, my teenager said, "If there were an earthquake right now, we'd all just go tumbling over the edge with nothing to stop us."  Some people need to learn when to shut up.
  • My GPS likes to make up routes from time to time.  She just toys with me.  I swear that one day I will open the window and fling it out, but then I'll probably get a ticket for littering.  Today she took me off and on the same highway 4 times.  If it wants me to drive on Highway 121 for 14 miles, can she just say that?  I don't need the help to keep the drive interesting.  I already have the twisty overpasses of death to worry about.
  • I'd like to tell that snotty GPS to take her "Recalculating" and shove it wherever a GPS could put it.  I tried it she doesn't listen.  I need a glass of wine, a stiff drink or a hammer for the GPS.
  • I ordered a large black coffee at Starbucks today and the snotty barista retorted "Do you mean a venti fresh brew?"  No.  I mean a large black coffee, and are you still a barista if you're a dude?
  • To the kid at the gas station where I stopped to pee this afternoon - Yes, I'm huge, waddle, and look like I'm about to explode.  Your horrified facial expression when you asked "You're not going to have that baby in here, are you?" was not the highlight of my day.
  • I'm officially tired of peeing.  Several times today I went to the bathroom, emptied my bladder, waddled back to the couch and sat down only to have to immediately get up and go again."  My mom told me, "Oh good! That means the baby is really low!"  Really?  Who knew?  I thought that the bowling ball between my thighs feeling was the big tip off.  At this point, a fitting epitaph on my headstone would read "Hang on a minute. I'll be right back.  I had to pee."
  • As much as I hate stores playing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving is over, I love the song Silver Bells and was happily singing along until the announcer lady at T.arget cut in to say something or other and I missed the end of the song.  It was stuck in my head and driving me crazy all morning until it got replaced by the phrase "lick me like a lollypop" set to a booming bass.  Thank you both for driving me slowly insane.
Speaking of which....I'm headed there now.  Thank you for listening.  The kids' Oma has told me that "Ladies don't fart.  If they don't b*tch every now and then to let off pressure, their heads will explode."  So you see?  I needed this.  It was a life-saving measure.

Feel free to chime in.  Add whatever is bugging you to the com box.  For some reason other peoples' petty gripes are funny to me, and I could use the distractions.


25 comments:

JoAnna said...

With my last pregnancy, I had a month of prodromal labor (not constant like yours, though). What always helped calm down the contractions was having a glass of wine and taking a hot bath with Epsom salts. I hope baby comes soon so you get some relief!

Joseph K @ Defend Us In Battle said...

Wow, I was going to complain about whiny pregnant women, but something tells me you wouldn't find it funny....

In all sincerity, we are praying for you. I am hoping that your offered up suffering will help all of those requesting prayer, and especially in helping me secure some employment.

Rachel said...

The overpasses of Doom...ugh! If I were in a Far Side cartoon, those would be up there with algebraic word problems for my personal Hell. As for the ctx, I found that popping some extra magnesium helped. Go ahead and carp away, honey, you know that last six weeks with my twins were an almost endless agony (although obviously it did end, since they are 4 1/2 now).

Karie, the Regular Guy's Extraordinary Wife said...

Gah! I am sorry I don't have anything to offer as a punching bag right now. I'd send one of my mouthy kids but they are really behaving well right now. ;)

Hang in there - it's almost over. We'll keep you in our prayers. Remember you're Catholic - offer it up!

Jamie Jo said...

Oh, I loved this!

I have 7 weeks, 4 days left til my 6th c-section...and I'm sick of all the toilet paper we go through because I'm going all the time!!!

I also hate when people say "how are you feeling?" (sorry, I know they are trying to be nice) I always answer with "I'm pregnant" That's how I feel.

They don't really want to know how I feel, do they, because if they do, they'll be there a while.

God bless you, I'll be praying for you!!

Monica said...

lol. Sorry about the false labor, that sucks!

Petty gripes- my four year old, who has recently taken to crawling into our bed at night and then spending the next several hours poking and jabbing with his knees and elbows. And my two year old, who has decided it's MUCH easier to just scream for me in the middle of the night when she can't find her lovey, rather than feeling around her bed for one second and locating it herself. And my husband, who I seriously have to PINCH, to wake him from his sleep to deal with either one. Between them and the bathroom, I think I am awakened 10 times a night...

Sew said...

SEriously, LOL! Funniest post ever!

Lick me like a lollipop had my in tears!!!!

K said...

My GPS did the same thing in Dallas but I ignored it and stayed on the highway. I'm a rebel that way. Oma has great wisdom and makes awesome chicken soup and I suspect she also cleans ceiling fans. I need an Oma!

Abigail said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Abigail said...

Yesterday, I hit week 20 of my sixth pregnancy. Thanks to continued morning sickness, I threw up three times, once violently enough to give me a migraine headache.

When I complained to my husband he told, me "this always happens to you, you go straight from the 1st trimester to the last without ever getting a break."

Seriously? This is your idea of a pep talk? Seriously, I voluntarily do this to myself again and again?
:-)

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

What annoys me? Debating certain atheists, because they give me thoughts based on folly and feelings. Not reason, not logic, but folly and feelings. That is driving me over the bend.

But sorry… you were about to give birth… sorta…

Praying for you!!

Second Chances said...

Like you, I laugh at what's irritating other people, so thank you for the laughs!

I'm almost 29 weeks and want to crawl into a hole to avoid the "how are you feeling?" question. Seriously, you don't want to know!

I could make an entire post about what's bugging me...in fact, I just may :)

Lena said...

There's an overpass by my home that I've been calling the Scary Part since I was a child. It was scary when I sat in the backseat of my dad's Oldsmobile and it's still scary when I'm in the driver's seat.

I am much more than annoyed at the going ons at Penn State.

Sara said...

I am annoyed by the Accelerated Reader program at my child's school. Why? Because it takes the joy out of reading. It turns reading into a task that must be done in order to take a test, not something to ponder and enjoy and discuss with other family members. It makes my young child not want to read with me, but to read alone - and while I value him reading on his own, he is not understanding enough on his own to be worth it. And our AR loving librarian is constantly telling the children to "get a book on your level" thus eliminating books that are fun, easy or hard... like Shel Silverstein's "Where the Sidewalk Ends" or Judy Bloome's, "Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing" If it's not on the child's "level" they are not allowed to check it out!
Somebody save me, it is worse than censorship - the books are there, they just can't be read by everyone!
That's my beef.
OF course, it is nothing compared to your slowly progressing labor. Best wishes and continued prayers,
Sara M.

Karyn said...

Things bugging me...

The typical pregnancy comments - sure it's not twins, don't you know what causes that, etc.

And Flatlanders driving really, really slow on our mountain roads when I need to get home to pee (due to my pregnancy bladder).

And the fact that I can't stop jumping on to Facebook even though nothing interesting is happening there.

Good luck -- you're almost done! I'm praying for you.

Packrat said...

Cars going by with the bass up so loud that the whole house expands and contracts with the beat.

Speeders and the city police who don't do anything about them! The speed limit in front of our house is 15 mph, because we live by the city park/swimming pool. There are also many small children and older people walking with or without dogs in the neighborhood. Doesn't slow anyone down. Cars fly past our house. This makes me want to throw hammers.

Once the on-board GPS system had us "driving" down the middle of the river - for almost an hour. On.S.tar kept coming on asking if we were okay. (We no longer use either.)

Now for a funny story. Early yesterday morning I woke up because I had to p*, badly. Emergency! I swung out of bed just as our fireplug of a dog tried to jump in. She hit me in the shin of one leg, then bounced backwards off the bed only to hit me behind the knees. (I have arthritis, so it takes a while for me to get my legs to work.) Well, at least I made it to the bathroom door. One way to get the bathroom floor mopped.

Packrat said...

PS: You and baby are still in my prayers.

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Ok this, " Some people need to learn when to shut up." had me laughing out loud and then each following complaint made me laugh harder!!!! I'm crying over here!!!! Complain ANY time!!!

COME ON BABY!!!

Karen said...

Okay, just a few things:

-Your barista comment was hilarious and I will now think of that every time I'm at a coffee shop.
-I asked my Texan SIL about this mum thing and she told me her senior mum had a battery pack and was designed to attach to her bra straps. I need to move to Texas.
-Then maybe I would have a chance of being your Real Life friend!
-Your offering during labor is encouraging me to consider a third pregnancy now instead of waiting another year (3 yo and 15 mo boys).
-You are the cutest prego ever.

That is all.

Anonymous said...

Our singleton is finally out of the house out on her own, we are rolling in the extra dough, happy empty nesters. The only down side: husband keeps choosing the stupidest DVDs for us to watch on 'movie night' - I have to have an extra glass of wine to get through them! Upside: sometimes I fall asleep and miss all the 'splosions!

Tea said...

'bout the coffee - I ordered a SMALL coffee at the airport at 5 in the morning - with the 2o month old in tow after traveling for 18 hours. the woman asked me - "Coffee isn't for you, is it?!" Yes I am 8 months pregnant, and I'm gonna have ONE cup of coffee!! I think she gave me decaf.

Lena said...

I wonder where your baby is. In? Out? In transition? Hope you are doing well.

Sara, that Accelerated Reader program sounds like a real killjoy.

Tridentine Wife said...

Oh my gosh haha I love reading this. The music blaring from another car really bugs me as well. you know what else bugs me? when a really old, messed up car has $10,000 rims on it oh and they have one of those extended car registration tags in their window. It's like if you can afford those rims, you better be paying your car reg. buddy!

Love the starbucks complaint, yeah it's one of the reasons why I try to avoid that place. We've got an even snobbier local coffee shop in our town. Bah!

cathmom5 said...

When we drive to my mother-in-law's in Dallas, I drive over the overpasses. They make my husband freeze up--he cannot function on those things. Believe it or not they do not bother me. However, the freaks at rush hour who drive up the embankments because the traffic is slow, freak me out. They're nuts.

I'm with you on the stupid radio thing. I just love it when they MAKE you listen to their music. He's in the store where he couldn't possibly be hearing the crappy stuff. Meanwhile, the car is running with the radio (high on the bass) blasting away out of the open car windows. Yea, love that!
Hated it when I had toddlers, too! Selfish jerks!

Never understood why so many people have to make rude comments to pregnant women. I had the you're-not-gonna-have-that-baby-here comment more than once. Ha-ha, ah, not funny.

I love the comments afterward, like: "Oh, you have your girl now, you can stop having babies" --Really? (Three boys in and around my cart at Walmart).
and
"Your grandson is sooo cute"
--Really? I look that bad??? Why would you say that to someone changing diapers in the restaurant restroom?
(My youngest was a month old and I had edema (sp?)--I was 42.)

Liza Jane said...

I'm wedding planning right now... 'nuff said.