***Working it out on paper. I cuss. A lot. I gave it up for Lent. So what? I don't have the energy to care right now. Totally disjointed ADD ramblings. It's where I am right now.***
Have you ever had a mental breakdown? A humming discordantly to yourself, flapping your hands desperately, tugging on your hair, wild-eyed mental breakdown? I'm teetering on the edge. I'm watching myself from somewhere outside of myself and thinking "Shit. I'm totally losing it here." But in an observer-ish kind of way.
I'm completely overstimulated. My brain doesn't seem to know where to rest and just keeps speeding up. There's no place to stop. I have no place of calm. There is no day of rest. Ever.
I wish I could hire a maid. Like in the book The Help? I need someone to come in and order my life. Or at least my household. I need it to be clean. My husband keeps telling me to have the children do it, but that's just one more layer of stress and responsibility. I just need it done. I need someone to be in charge of the clean. I need a Captain of Sanity around here.
I need the children to go to the magical land of Somewhere Else while I collect my thoughts and get hold of myself again.
I'm completely overwhelmed.
Family members have offered to come and help but they aren't the right ones. I don't know which ones the right ones are.
I need my mom. That's who I need. Not the brain-damaged woman I've had for the last 20+ years, but the hyper-controlling slightly bitchy one from my childhood. I crave her competence and steady hand right now. Can she come back and put it all into order? Please? Forget that that woman no longer exists anywhere on this earth any longer. I need her to come back.
Can you hire someone like that? Coolly professional and in control with an air of no-nonsense command? An employee who could show up, be in charge, and then go home? Someone to take over the running of things so that I can go sit in the corner and quietly fall completely apart?
I wasn't home for any of last week, constantly on the go. This week is starting off the same way. It's 1:20 AM now and in 6 hours I need to be walking out the door to take #4 back to the hospital for more shots. It will take all morning. When I get home, #1 will need a ride down to the office. I won't be home until after 3:00 to stay. Maybe. Unless someone else needs something from me.
By the time I get back home in the afternoon, the tiny bit of clean which I have carved out in my crazy midnight obsessiveness will be completely subsumed (that's a word, right?) by the "I don't give a fuck" attitude of my boys. I don't know how to make them care. I don't have the energy to do it. To be honest right now, I don't give a fuck if they do care. I just want them out of my house. They need to go outside and not mess up the fragile orderliness which I wish would take hold.
I can't afford to pay anyone to order it all. Can I put all the children, even the baby, in school for a few weeks? I just need them to be gone. I can't think of what they need. Having a conversation takes more than I have in me. All I want is time alone. Silence.
I'm drowning here.
There is an undertow of people who need things from me. They take and I give and I'm empty. I need to recharge. I don't know where to go to do that, and I don't know how to begin.
23 comments:
Sending many prayers your way.
Wish I could help with more than just prayers.
My sentiments exactly. I just had a melt down bigger than my two year old does. I'm afraid I'm going to put myself into labor....seriously. I can't do it. The spilled full glass of milk did me in. My poor kids. I'll pray for you. Please pray for me.
My sentiments exactly. I just had a melt down bigger than my two year old does. I'm afraid I'm going to put myself into labor....seriously. I can't do it. The spilled full glass of milk did me in. My poor kids. I'll pray for you. Please pray for me.
:(
Everyone one of us feels overwhelmed at some point, but not everyone has nearly as much crap to deal with as you do.
You already know the answers to your questions, but I feel you might be looking for different answers. They aren't there. The only thing you can do is begin on your knees.
Praying for you. It's all most of us can do,
Look, I know how hard it is to let someone take up some of the slack for you. I've never been able to ask for help. My sisters all think I'm the "strong" one. It won't be your kids. It's never been mine. But, for once in your life, reach out. GOD will provide someone to take some of your burden off your shoulders. I wish I could get there to do it for you!! I know exactly how you feel!! Really! Maybe you can't pray in so many words, but your soul is reaching up to God and His heaven for you. Depend on it. You're breaking my heart...You sound so much like me.
Sharon
Maybe it's time to take some help from the wrong ones. Or possibly, just to make sure all the toys and stuff are in the right bedrooms, and then just close the door on them.
Big cargo nets are good, if you don't mind looking at them in your kids' rooms. If you do, you need a big storage crate.
You're also allowed to take over your kids' punching bags and use them yourself, for therapeutic purposes. You're allowed to go running, pounding your feet really hard and stomping on the bad stuff. You're allowed to dance very fast to very stupid songs.
A lot of stress is fight or flight getting confused. So if you do some fight or some flight, it can make you feel a lot better, or at least more relaxed.
Praying for you.
Can you ask your husband to deal with the boys and their attitude? Me, I'd be tempted to make them live outside until they DO give a f**k.
Praying for you... wish I could do more.
Are you sure you and I are not the same person? I could have written this exact post about a week or so ago. Time and prayer do amazing things when it comes to impossible situations. I agree with--and would like to redirect you to--Maurisa's comment above. Step outside. Breathe deep. You can't do this on your own so don't try. He'll send the help but it might be different than what you have in mind. Pray to be open to whatever He sends.
In the mean time, I can promise you my prayers.
praying for you
Can you just take the pills that made it all quiet? Maybe just use some breast milk reserves or formula for the baby and let your mind be quiet for a few days.
I totally understand the pulling-your-hair, talking-to-yourself, verge-of-a-breakdown place.
I've been praying for you and will continue to do so. Let me know if there is something more concrete I can do to help.
-Casey
If I lived near you, I would take all the kids on a field trip.
Maybe you could be like Captain von Trapp and get a whistle and have the kids march around. You know, just for a while. You could declare emergency martial law.
Or you could call a doctor if your brain is racing too much.
Or you can let some things slide.
Um, I don't know how helpful I am (probably not at all), but I hope your crisis is coming to an end.
Good luck.
Keep breastfeeding!!! The oxytocin will help calm you down better than any other drug you could take....and if you do take anything, don't worry about it, your breasts will more than likely filter it out of your milk. Really. And I vote for choosing one thing to be important and letting everything else slide..... The whistle might be helpful, it might get everyone to pay attention..... It might make you smile.
Find an adoration chapel and just go sit there with Jesus. Five minutes.
This is a marathon it is not a sprint.... Don't blue all of your energy in the first mile.
Love and prayers,
Sara
I totally agree with Sara. We all have this happen from time to time, you are dealing with a huge health issue with one child, a new baby, hormonal shifts, homeschooling, living in a new area, etc... I am only amazed you've held it together until now. Take a deep breath, repeat the Holy Name of Jesus in your head and get yourself a big bowl of chocolatey goodness. Love you, Loretta
I'm so sorry. I'll pray someone can swoop in and help you I'm every way you need. All things are possible with God.
Sending you prayers and hugs from KS. I emailed you last week, so let me know if you want to talk to my sister about JRA. God will send the Holy Spirit to carry you through this difficult time!
Three years ago @ this time I put the kids into school for the last 12 weeks of the school year "just to clean my house." I know it was motivated by the Holy Spirit, for sure.
FWIW, I say do *whatever it takes* to get help. After my #5 was born I had a postpartum doula come over several times and it was pure bliss. She prepared meals, played with the kids, completed many loads of laundry, swept my kitchen floor, even helped the kids make me a birthday cake. Worth every penny. It really is hard to ask for help--nothing will be as perfect as if you could clone yourself and do it all your own way--but
even a little help is HELP!
I also find it helpful to lower my self-expectations whenever possible. :) Oh, and antidepressants. Can't believe I lived for 35 years without them!
Praying for you! May you rest in the peace of Our Lord!
+JMJ+
I graduate in May, I'd love to come nanny and be the help you need! All I need is food and a place to sleep!
Hoping and praying everything gets better. God will provide!
*hugs*
Stacy - What day do you graduate? How soon can you be here?
((((Hugs))) come to SA, ill scoot over and make room in my hospital bed and we'll eat Ben and jerry's and watch bad reality tv like dance.moms and make fun of people. Whaddya say?
Seriously can Oma come? She has this awesome "make everything ok" presence that I even felt after knowing her a whopping 24 hrs.
Ps you know who this is I'm too lazy to sign in
This post made me cry for you. You're in my prayers in a big way.
But also - do you want to borrow my mom? She is still very bitchy and very in control, and she still travels (as far as I know).
Hi Rebecca, I have been thinking about this post ever since you posted it (sorry I didn't comment earlier...), but please know I am praying for you and your family and I hope things are getting better. Love, Marie
Post a Comment