After 19 years with my husband, I'd like to think I know him pretty well. I think I do, so why do I have to keep reminding myself of the lessons I've already learned? How many times do I need to learn them before they stick. (Note to self : The Computer Guy is not me. Thank goodness.) The differences in our personalities are never more apparent than when we are dealing with stress.
I am an information hoarder. I want to find, read, and hang onto every scrap of information I can possibly find. (Dr Google and I have become fast friends in the last few weeks.) I want to be warned of every possibility, every pitfall. I want to meet the challenges of life head on and armed with all the knowledge I might possibly require. Life is an often treacherous journey and I want the map.
My husband is the complete opposite. He wants just as much information as the moment requires. He wants to deal only with the facts at hand and not get distracted by all the possibilities. He feels that he has plenty of time to learn what he needs when the time comes and that Dr Google will just cause us to waste our time by leading us in the wrong direction.
It kills me.
I have done my usual furious research. I'm learning terminology and possibilities. I've discovered alternate therapies and new things to look into. I have so much information I want to share with him. I feel the psychological need to dump all that I've learned into his lap so that we can sort it out together.
He shakes his head and tells me to stop. We're not ready for all of that. The treatment she is on hasn't even been given a chance to work yet. He tells me that I'm getting worked up over things which may not ever apply to our situation. He just asks what he needs to know right this minute, reads that bit and goes on.
Which is why he's the sane one, and I'm the one who deals with doctors.
We need to strike a balance somewhere between knowing enough to be mistaken for someone with an actual medical degree (happened to me twice when #2 was in the NICU) and relying on the doctors to know everything and having no input. I'm not sure what that looks like though. How do I know when I have enough knowledge to be an advocate for my daughter and not enough to be dangerous, and how do I convince my husband that he needs to know it, too?
9 comments:
That's why you have blog friends! LOL
That would be hard for me as well, because I'm just like you. Like Sew said, please know you can always come here with tons of information if you want any feedback. Not the same as your husband's, I know, but it will let him handle it the way he needs to but still give you an outlet for everything you are absorbing.
It sounds to me like the two of you ARE the balance that your daughter needs.
Sure, except it leaves me carrying it alone. He doesn't have enough info to make decisions and I have so much it's overwhelming.
He knows you will learn all the intricate details so that in that undesirable situation where you are presented with something 'new' by the doctor, you really won't be blind-sided. He knows and trusts that you have that under control so that he doesn't have to. He trusts you to "carry" that so that he can carry his own set of burdens... sounds like he is a super whiz computer guy, and he wouldn't be that way if he couldn't trust what was going on at home.
have you ever read, the dance w anger? its a weird title to relate to this.. its an amazing book about when you do all the work the other person in your relationship doesnt ever have to (bc you do it all). it might be worth considering
This could be one of the differences between men and women too, also you are probably different temperaments. Best of luck finding the middle road, I could use advice on how to do that too. One word of caution, it is probably wise to get her traditional treatment on a good start and then add alternative approaches as needed. When Vince had cancer I wanted to go all macro-biotic on him and the docs basically said 'don't change diet during treatment, he is gonna need his comfort foods. A more gradual shift to healthier eating will be better'. They were right. I've seen too many folks lately condemning certain foods and banning them as poison when moderation in all things is better. Of course take this and all advice with a grain of salt. -Loretta
Maybe you should just write up a little precis of your findings, or make a list of important links, instead of trying to tell these things to your husband. Let your husband know where it's stored. Then relax, because your part of the job is done for that day. Tell your husband you're supposed to get a hug as payment. :)
You're not "carrying it alone" if you do the job you picked out to do. It sounds like letting go of the job is what you need his help with.
(And if so, I can empathize, because I'm an obsessive researcher. I'm always posting and then coming back with a revision or a second comment post. But after a while, I just have to step awayyyy from the keyboard.)
PS -- I forgot to post before that a lot of people get relief from kinda sorta racing thoughts by listening to audiobooks or music, because it kinda distracts and relaxes people. I don't know if this would help someone with really bad racing thoughts, but it's worth a try. Pick out something hilarious or peaceful, and see how it goes.
And feel free to ignore my cyber advice, of course! I don't know you, per se, and I'm not particularly people-savvy. But it just kills me that I can't actually Do Something, so I throw my ideas into the pot instead.
And you know, it might just be that your husband will find it easier to process a written report or a links list, or to be able to pick his own time to access it.
And now it really is time for me to step away from the keyboard! Praying for you all!
Post a Comment