The other day at our local coffee shop, I overheard some teenage girls talking about their lives. It started off with the ever amusing complaints about their "lame" mothers who try to rule their lives. Their voices carried and filled the whole back of the shop. There was no avoiding their often humorous diatribes. The girls were funny as they spoke of mothers who hover, control, and eavesdrop. One of them kept speaking of her mother's obsession with whether or not the bedrooms in the house are clean. Can you imagine such a thing? They whined about how the one thing their lives miss is privacy. Why can't their parents just see that these high school seniors are all grown up and don't need their parents in their business?
My friend and I smiled at each other over our foamy lattes and shared that look that says we've been there, and those independent women at the next table aren't really as grown up as they imagine themselves to be.
Inevitably their discussion turned to boys and dating. My friend wiggled her eyebrows in anticipation of the "juicy stuff." I grinned back at her. They were too cute, these young girls playing at adulthood.
Then suddenly they were no longer cute.
They sat in the coffee shop frankly and loudly discussing their recent hook-ups. (Yes, that means sex if you're old enough to wonder.) They spoke bluntly about getting laid and moving on. Their playful banter of a few moments before became harsh, bitter and a little shrill. They were unspeakably sad and seemed not to know it. We could hear in their voices the tremble of emotion and watched the heart broken moments when faces were turned away so that they could regain their composure.
I wanted to hug them all. The mother in me just wanted to wrap them up in my arms and hug them.
They just seemed so confused by the adult things with which they were playing. They have been taught from Jr High on that sex was not a big thing. I know because they were the messages my generation heard the beginnings of. Things like we didn't have to be married, just in love and that sex was for pleasure with no mention of the emotional whirlwind which follows in its wake. They were clueless about the enormity of their actions. These poor confused girls don't know the the truth of it, because no one has ever told it to them.
So I did.
I set down my cup and walked over to their table. "Hi," I said. "I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying. You were kinda loud."
They all looked a bit embarrassed and apologized.
"Can I just ask you something? Can you maybe explain it to me?" There was a chorus of "Yes, ma'am"s. This is Texas. "You have a mother who loves you. Who puts a roof over your head and takes care of you. Right?" Nods. "But you won't let her into your bedroom. A room she owns in a house she pays for? Your own mother? But you'll let some boy from the football team inside of your body? You will actually let him inside of you? How does that make sense?" I stood there for a moment and waited for an answer. All I got were their stunned looks. No one said a word. The color just drained from their faces.
I walked back to my friend who was ready to go. "Do you think they heard me?" I asked her. "Do you think they get how messed up that really is?"
"I don't know, but I'll guarantee you that no one ever put it to them that way before."
Maybe it's time we start.
42 comments:
Booyah! You go, Mom!
Wow - you're so brave! Well done :-)
Wow! That was a gutsy and very loving thing to do!
I LOVE YOU.
wow. thank you for putting flesh into prayer. Christ into flesh.
Love it! Hopefully that comment stays with them!
God bless you! Especially for speaking in such a calm, kind way instead of calling them names. Who knows what effect your words may have?! You made the world a better place.
I think that would count as two spiritual works of mercy! Admonishing sinners and instructing the ignorant! Thank you for doing that for them - hopefully you planted a seed that will blossom into repentance.
Wow. Thank you.
Oh my goodness, I love you! I hope they "got" it.
brilliant!
GREAT job! It's time we all spoke like this-
and I did always wonder- as a girl/woman with no illicit sexual experience- how females could sleep around. I'm going to fall asleep with a guy that I don't even know his middle name, let alone his mother's maiden name??? No thank you!
priest's wife- It's because they ache inside. They are looking to fill up the emptiness in the middle of themselves with a cheap substitute for love. The reassure themselves that they are cool and can handle it and that it's not a big thing, but deep inside they know it is. They hurt and are looking for a band aid instead of healing.
Wow. You're my hero.
Fantastic and fabulous. Yes, they'll remember you forever!
Inspired, indeed! We are the face and flesh of Christ to people, and that was an excellent way to allow Him to become a part of their conversation - and lives.
Wow... just wow. If they learned nothing else, then they probably will never talk about stuff like that so loud in public ever again...
That is amazingly awesome. You ROCK.
Wow. This was just amazing. Thank you.
First step: plant seeds.
check
Awesome! You are a gutsy woman!!
POWERFUL! Thank you.
ONCE AGAIN WHY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
But the post brought a hit to the gut. I cant imagine my kids just 'hooking up'. It would break my heart. Where is the love? I mean, really???
WOW! Bravo!
Wow.
As a former sexually active teen I know you are exactly right about the 'whys' in your response to Priests Wife in the comments.
Honestly, I don't know if I would have changed my behavior right away if I had someone speak truth to me like that, I just didn't have a lot of courage and confidence as a teen. But I do know those words would have echoed in my head for a long, long time.
Most American teens are just so incredibly disconnected from their families. So yes, it is not unlikely that some cute football player can seem to be more 'real' than your own mom.
I wonder when and if, as a large and vocal group, we ex-sluts (is that too harsh a label?)can stand up call a very loud BS on the whole sex without strings is possible and awesome! twaddle that is being shoved at kids.
Furthermore, is that kind of frank conversation even welcome in my devout Catholic homeschooling circles where teen sex is whispered about in anxious tones?
ps. i promise i didn't use the phrase 'shoved at kids' on purpose as some sort of play on your blog title-which would be cool, but wouldn't really make much sense right?
powerful!
"I wonder when and if, as a large and vocal group, we ex-sluts (is that too harsh a label?)can stand up call a very loud BS on the whole sex without strings is possible and awesome! twaddle that is being shoved at kids. "
Something like Silent No More. Yes.
"Furthermore, is that kind of frank conversation even welcome in my devout Catholic homeschooling circles where teen sex is whispered about in anxious tones?"
That's a really good question. My first, gut-feeling response is to imagine a presentation to a youth group in which women could talk frankly in about the damaging effects in their own lives of sexual activity without concomitant commitment to adult responsibility. But on further reflection I wonder if that is really well thought out, not because frank talk is bad, but because it may violate the dignity of the speakers' own marital intimacy. Such a venture would have to be carefully crafted to protect the speakers against, well, participating in a re-exploitation of themselves. Even if it is freely chosen, that does not make it respectful of their human dignity. The confessional is private for a reason. I think we have to be specially called to the apostolate of laying bare our souls so others can learn from our mistakes.
I'm sure they needed to hear that and that it will resonate with them in years to come. They'll remember the day when "that woman" came up and said that, and they might say it was weird and laugh, but deep down, they'll really think about it. Thank you!
"Furthermore, is that kind of frank conversation even welcome in my devout Catholic homeschooling circles where teen sex is whispered about in anxious tones?"
A Catholic who can't address the beauty and truth of sex in a manner appropriate to their own children is not very devout in my opinion. It is an injustice in today's over-sexed world to not talk about sexuality and the purpose and holiness of it with your children. Too many 'devout' families keep their teens ignorant about sex and then they are innocently drawn in by a seemingly 'holy' relationship and before you know it the family is faced with a pregnancy out of marriage. There should be ample chances IN the family to discuss theses issues. I really don't think it is appropriate in a group setting.
ps, way to go Mom! You really did have to say something and it seems like the Holy Spirit gave you some good thoughts for those girls. -Loretta
Wow. Thanks for speaking up! I grieve for these girls, too, and talk often with my young teen about the respect and love she deserves and should show others as well. My favorite- I ask her to think of this one question: Is this friend (and behavior with him/her) lifting you up to Heaven? Are you lifting them up? Good luck, God bless you, and I look foreword to reading more of your blog!
Loretta, I agree completely.
I guess I wasn't clear in my comment. I am not a fan of 'teen presentations!' I think they can be well meaning but are mostly just cheesy.
By conversation I do not mean in a group setting with parents and teens. I mean honest conversation between us moms/parents about learning from our own messy pasts to help our kids through the realities teenagerdom.
About it not being welcome, I brought it up precisely because it is a sensitive topic. Most moms I know totally shy away from it, myself included.
I mean, obviously, it's a delicate thing to discuss ones sexual history. To say the least!
But you are so, so right about many of us who tip toe around this topic and miss the boat on passing along real wisdom to our children who desperately need it.
(I am tentatively going to begin a blog on this I don't want to hi-jack this thread. This post really struck a nerve with me as an ex-teenage hussy with several kids on the verge of the teen years)
Tracy - thanks for clarifying, I agree with you completely and understand better your point. I am also an ex-hussy (I blush to say) and would have probably been less impressionable if my own Mom had had some meaningful talks with me. I think it takes a lot of humility to show our past weaknesses and mistakes but it really can serve a higher purpose if it helps our kids stay pure. If you blog this maybe put a link here, would love to hear more. -Loretta
Excellent! I admire your bravery.
Would love to see this blog. I am also a former "teen who bought the lies", was not parented, and came from a home with zero faith.
As a Catholic, homesvhooling mom now I cringe when I hear some of my friends proudly proclaim that their 15 year old daughters have never once asked how the baby got into their tummy or EVER mentioned the word sex or asked what it is. I feel this is a HUGE disservice to teens, almost as bad as allowing public schools to give the details of the marital embrace to 8 year olds while telling them "it's ok for anyone to do this at any time."
I don't have all the answers, but hiding the beauty and truth of marriage from teens is definitely not the way to go.
I also understand, very personally, what it is to ache and yearn for truth and have society tell you to believe the "truth" that "it doesn't matter", "have fun", "you don't need to be married", "do it a lot so you know what you like", "don't marry the first boy you sleep with", etc.
Anyway.....great blog post. Great seed planting. Great perspective and very thought provoking.
Mama Midwife, I totally agree with this!!!
As a Catholic, homesvhooling mom now I cringe when I hear some of my friends proudly proclaim that their 15 year old daughters have never once asked how the baby got into their tummy or EVER mentioned the word sex or asked what it is. I feel this is a HUGE disservice to teens, almost as bad as allowing public schools to give the details of the marital embrace to 8 year olds while telling them "it's ok for anyone to do this at any time."
I never heard it stated so well, but instead of cheering - it made me want to cry.
Oh my...what a post. Thank you for writing this and for being so bold. I have such an ache in my heart for boys and girls at this age. It truly is such a difficult time for them. The messages...oh the messages...
Good for you for saying something. I hope someone at that table "got it." It only takes one sometimes...one person, one statement, one moment.
Great post!
Good for you!
You gave them something to think about.
Tracy,
I so agree with as also an "ex-slut" and no, I don't think that's too harsh a word - now "hussy" maybe; maybe "those" girls were just as hurt inside as I was and maybe I was just fooling myself but I still always thought of myself - then, not now - of a "good girl" just doing bad things; it was only later that I realized how much damage I had done to myself; I didn't have any girls so not sure I can really relate but I have a daughter-in-law now who really is one of those clueless ones and just being around me now has brought her so far; hopefully I did something right, my son is the first guy (not that she had that many; he got to her early or I think she would have) she knew that wasn't one of those kind and they have a little girl now that they sure don't want to end up like that. I do think if my mother had talked with me about things like that it would have made a difference but I can't even imagine her doing so; I have an aunt now who's feeling guilty for not doing so but I'm not sure how much my mom would have let her then (she's her brother's wife, not her sister)but even now I appreciate her letting me know that. Donna
Tracy C, you said, "Furthermore, is that kind of frank conversation even welcome in my devout Catholic homeschooling circles where teen sex is whispered about in anxious tones?"
I'd like your thoughts (and others) about something the Mothers' Manual says (it's an old prayer book that is still in print) about "What a Mother Should Tell Her Children About Life - and When". I wrote it up at my blog, because it is rather long. http://oxyparadoxy.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-mother-should-tell-her-children.html
Thank you for telling this to them. Sometimes you need to put it a different way (or maybe they've never heard the message before). I hope that it sinks into their hearts and they realize what they are worth!
I think it can be *very* hard to know how and what to say to our children about sex, especially if we have been raised a "certain" way. But I think above all, we mustn't be afraid to discuss it! After all, our fear and trepidation is in direct contradiction to the message we are trying to send about sex: That it is something so special that we have to treat it as such.
I was very matter-of-fact about reproduction when answering my very-inquiring oldest son's questions (we are talking once or twice a year from age 5 on) but made sure to point out that, while the mechanics of reproduction are similar across animal species, the significance of it with humans is so different as to be another category entirely.
I put it to him this way: "People, as you know, have eternal souls. When we make new people, we are making something with an eternal soul, given by G-d through our cooperation in creation. THAT is some serious business, my dear. We are making something that affect eternity!"
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