This past weekend, I went to the homeschool convention in Arlington. As I sat down for the first talk on Saturday morning, I looked around at all the young (oh my goodness they were young!) faces of the moms just beginning on this journey. At 37, I definitely wasn't the oldest mom in the room, but I was at least 15 years older than the youngest. I looked down at the baby hanging out in her sling and it hit me....I've been homeschooling for 12 years and #7 means I'll be at it for at least 18 more.
Holy crap.
30 years. That's my whole life. Well, a big ol' chunk of it teaching preschool, Algebra, and physics all side by side. It was in that moment that I felt exhausted. What about me? What about the plans I had and have for myself? In the prime of my life with so many dreams unfulfilled....what about me? 30 years. More if there's ever a #8. Holy. freaking. moly.
And I knew that I want to quit. Just chuck it all and walk away. There are better things I could be doing with my life. Important and memorable things. Things which will last forever!
Things like my children and their immortal souls.Which, incidentally, are the only things which last forever.
I was reminded this weekend of the time #2 spent in the NICU dying. (Just because you're dying doesn't mean you do. You can recover, but he was surely dying.) The awful very bad time when I pleaded with God to trade my life for his. "Please take my life in trade for his, let me die if he can live," I begged.
Did I mean it? Did I really mean I would give my own life for his or did I only mean I'd die willingly right there on the spot? What if the death He asks for is a long, slow painful death to self? Say...... 30 years or more of dying to myself? Am I willing to make that trade for him? For them all?
17 comments:
You don't need to hear anything from me you don't already know. But this was a very good post.
Your children are blessed.
Yes, I think you are. Because He's giving you the grace to do it. It's a glorious system!
Yeah, you're right. My eldest is about to graduate, my 7th is 3 months old, and it's the 13th year homeschooling. Must get off the computer and think about this post and of the slow dying and of our immortal souls. Thank you for writing, Rebecca.
"Like," for sure.
May God continue to richly bless you and your family.
I think everyone goes through this... it's called a mid-life crisis. You just happen to have the 'homeschooling mom of a big family' type. Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but you are correct, raising children is a vocation with eternal consequences. At least you are doing a great job at it... -L
I have had similar thoughts hit before (and I only have 5 so far!). Motherhood is a dying to self that is long and slow (and sometimes painful).
I've had the same sense of dread about the future myself, and I'm only just starting out on the motherhood journey (one kid, and another on the way). Thanks for this new insight.
That realization is always a bit overwhelming. I'll be homeschooling until I am 60, give or take. I started when I was 27, almost 14 years ago. Sometimes I wish I was one of those women who can say that homeschooling is a way of life and how.much I love it but I'm not. I homeschool because we truly believe it is the best option for our family, not because I love it or it is easiest.
We started homeschooling 24 years ago. My youngest is almost 9 (finishing 3rd grade). 9 more years....I'll be 62 when she graduates!
Beautiful post! I was having a similar moment today - just plain tired of listening to someone read haltingly, tired of fixing yet another meal, just plain tired. And then I was thinking of what I would rather be doing - and realized nothing. Nothing is more important than serving my family. Doesn't mean I was less tired but hopefully I was serving with a bit more joy in my heart.
By the way, what happened to that post that said we could ask you anything???
OH! I have recently had this argument with myself. . ..it makes me feel pitiful how often I rage, "what about me?"
It is an awful and precious gift to be a mother and stop living just for ourselves.
I love your blog!
Karyn - No one took me up on it so I took it down. Wanna know something? Just ask!
Well...okay. I'm a more recent convert but I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more of a traditional Catholic, despite my RCIA training, lol. Anyway, what are some of the church teachings you struggle with the most? Maybe you obey them because they are the Church's teachings but you don't fully understand the reason for them and/or the teachings just go against your nature.
And a more mundane question - I have been veiling at church. But when am I suppose to put the veil on and when do I take off? Like...do I only wear it in the sanctuary and take it right off as I leave? Is it okay to put it on and off in the van? I don't know anyone else who veils in order to ask.
Okay, last question - who is your patron (or favorite) saint? I see the three on the side here but I don't know if they're for specific causes (such as St. Aphonsus for your daughter) - but do you have a "go-to" saint?
Woohoo, that was fun! Wish I had some "real life" Catholic moms around me to ask questions like that!
Hi Karyn,
I know you asked Rebecca about veiling, but I thought I could jump in and say what I do about my veil. I put it on in the car, mostly just so I can have it on when I walk into church. It feels like you're dressed for Mass that way. I take it off whenever I get outside of the worship area I suppose? We have a huge narthex in my church that is seperated by doors, so once I'm through the doors, I consider that outside of church.
Granted, I only put on my veil for Mass, not for whenever I go into church.
Hope this helps.
Elizabeth
My question is when are you going to update your header picture?
My comment is that anything you do day after day, year after year, after year is going to be drag.
Thanks, Elizabeth, that does help. Sometimes I put it on when I'm already in the pew but that feels awkward and sometimes I put it on before I get out of the van, but I wasn't sure if that was too early in a way. I know there are more important things in life, but anyway...
This is a freaking great post.
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