I've written before about #3; about his sensory issues, his vision problems, and his memory issues. He struggles to be normal in a world which moves at a dizzying speed. He works so hard to catch up, and often never makes it.
He's been going to Mass every Sunday morning (except for the rare illness) for all of his 11 years. He can't remember the responses. If it were another child, we would tell him to follow along in the missal, but #3 can't read fast enough to stay up. Convergence Insufficiency is funny that way. (If you're new here, #3 has Convergence Insufficiency, a sight disorder which means that his eyes work independent of each other causing double and triple vision. Oh, and he's dyslexic, too.)
I struggle with knowing how much of his not participating in things is his deciding not to, and how much is his not being able to........like Sunday morning Mass. Is he being irreverent? Is there some crisis of faith? Is he rebelling against his parents and his upbringing? Or is he struggling along and doing the best he can? I try to assume the latter. Always. It's really hard though. 11 years of Mass. He can't remember even a part of anything enough to recite it with us, except for the Our Father. He struggles with the Our Father.
Please don't think it's an intelligence issue. The kid is wicked smart and creative. He's simply incapable of memorization. As his mom, I don't know what to do with that. Which doesn't mean much, because the experts we've seen don't know what to do with it either.
This past Sunday, his dad and I went to separate Masses. (It happens when someone is sick.) I took #3 and most of the children with me and left the sleeping kids home with the Computer Guy. #3 stood, knelt, and sat at the same times as everyone else (after watching us to see where we were going), but he said not a single word. He didn't sing. He was silent for the whole Mass.
So I sent him back with his father to the later one. With his father's focused one on one attention, he was able to be a part of what was going on around him. When he didn't have the commotion of his siblings in the pew, he could do it. (It was still hard, but he could do it.)
What is the solution then? What's more important? That we go to Mass as a family or that he have a parent's undivided attention to help him through it? The truth is that if we are all in a pew, one of the littles will be in dad's lap or arms, unless they are in a different part of the Church. So where is the priority? That he participates in his family or that he participates in Mass?
10 comments:
I'm not sure. I struggle with whether we should go as a family... Where none of us can participate bc of a 19 month old boy or if we should split up and leave him home....
I don't have kids so can't offer any advice on that level, but I can suggest a different way to consider the idea of participation at Mass. It is a good thing when one is able to make the responses, but the more important part of participation is praying with the Mass, and the best form of participation is the reception of Holy Communion in a state of grace. Imagine the situation where you were on holiday so attending Mass in a language you didn't know well - you might be unable to make the responses, but you would still go to Mass, and pray and recieve Communion. I'm not saying you shouldn't do what you need to help your son with the responses, just they aren't the only - or even most important - thing about Mass.
I've gone to Mass where the Liturgy was in a language I neither speak nor understand; God is in the heart. God speaks to the heart. Mortal tongues help- no doubt- but God doesnt need to hear #3 say the responses to know that that his heart is with Him. I'd suggest asking #3 what he is most comfortable with. Does he like the one-on-one (and if so, perhaps he would do alright with a special friend, perhaps someone from your church that he is close to, who could be his go-to person during Mass?)or does one-on-one take away from his devotion? Does he prefer the family experience or does it do more harm than good?
I'll keep you guys in prayer and hope that God reveals the best answer to you soon. ((hugs))
You may have tried this already, but have you thought about one week out of the month being his 1-1 Mass? Based one what you said about his strong cognitive skills, I wonder if you would see some carry over after 6 months or so to the other 3 week? Just a thought.
I agree with Chasing...sounds like a good compromise.
What does HE want?
I Agree about compromise...it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Here is another idea. For the first month it's one on one. The repetition each week that way may help responses. Then do one on one Mass every other week for a few months. If he has shown improvemants after this, you could then do One on one once a month?
My dad and sister had convergence insufficiency - my dad has a prism in his glasses to help correct it and had to repeat 11th grade because of his struggles with reading - but he is one of the smartest guys I know. To this day he struggles with reading, though he's the kind of guy who could read every history book on the shelf in terms of concepts and interest. My sister's was caught early enough by a terrific teacher that she could correct it with eye exercises (which she HATED!) but she's still not a huge reader - never has been. Also super creative and insightful/intelligent, great writer.
I think 11 years old is a critical time in terms of being on the verge of social awkwardness and also intellectually being able to grasp so much of the faith. I would echo the call for you and/or your husband to give him his own Mass with one of you as much as possible so that he can build confidence and practice in "getting" it. I'm sure you'd know how to "couch" it for him - letting him know you want to give him the focused attention know so that he is able to participate fully for his whole life - and emphasizing that his prayer is his presence, always, that God is ALWAYS happy with whatever he offers sincerely with his heart/soul/body/words, and that the goal is not perfection but to help him accomplish a little more because you know he can, etc. Educationally, I'd think that taking 6 weeks in a ROW to work on it, then giving it a rest, would be more effective than once a month - though sometimes slow and steady wins the race. You could also do the once a month isolating one PART of the Mass (like goal: today get all the "and with your spirit"s and give him a prompt card) then the next 3 weeks with the family have him take the prompt card and practice it in that context since that is the desired goal.
I wouldn't worry too much about taking him out of the context of the family Mass for this short focused time in his life - he has been raised entirely in that context and its meaning and depth is not likely to be lost quickly!
Good luck - you're a good mom!
Maybe he could try a Mass in the extraordinary form. There is less pressure to do the outward participation and more focus on the inward. Maybe the silence and focus on one thing only would be just what he needs. Hey, you might like it too. :)
You are going to think this came out of left field, but have you ever thought of getting a dog? The benefits are enormous. They can have a calming effect, relieve stress, boost self esteem, teach responsibility. Kids can improve reading skills when they read to their dogs. Kids talk to their dogs. Dogs are non-judgmental. They are great therapy.
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