"What's wrong with him?" I asked his mom.
"He's had a stomach bug for the last two days, but he felt a bit better today and I didn't want to disappoint your children by cancelling." She continued on to tell me that she had been down for three days total. Her son and husband got sick as she was getting better. Since hers had lasted three days, and it was almost the end of day three for her son, she decided that it was okay to come anyway.
While I nodded in understanding, the voice in my head wanted to scream, "Do you even know what you've done?!?" My heart raced and I restrained my impulse to grab kids and make a run for it. I swear that I could almost see the germs attaching themselves to my children, and I know I heard an evil cackle-y laugh. (Viruses laugh. You didn't know that?)
4 days later, it hit us. First my 13 year old son began feeling poorly and puking. The very day that he began to get better, the 3 year old threw up in the playroom and for the next few days. The baby went down with it yesterday afternoon, followed by the 11 year old last night. It's only a matter of time before they all fall like dominoes.
I don't really blame the other mom. There is no way that the mother of one even thought of the sick people math of a mother of 7. Our realities are so different. The minor stomach bug that took up not-quite-a-week of her time is poised to consume half a month or more of mine. It's just simple multiplication. In the worst case scenarios, either we all get sick for the same three day period and there is no one left to care for anyone in the house (horror on earth if puking is involved), or we get it back to back--nine of us sick for 3 days each is 27 days of puking. It's possible to lose an entire month to sickness when something really gets going around here. It happens so easily, and it's brutal. As it looks now, this stomach bug (moving at its current speed) will take around 2- 2 1/2 weeks before we're done with it.
Please, moms of small families, please don't come near us when you're sick. Take an extra day at home to make sure that whatever it is has truly passed before you spend time with my family. While my kids may be disappointed to not get a day of playing at the park, they understand sick as a reason. They have to. Sick at our house is a big huge hairy deal. Sick stops everything for weeks at a time. Sick at our house is brutally exhausting.
I'm throwing myself on your mercy here. Can you see me begging? I'll get on my knees if it helps. Put off the play date. Postpone the get together. Let's reschedule it. I promise not to care. I swear that I will be grateful to you even if my 3 year old cries about the broken plans. Please, please, please consider the big family math. Please think about it from my side for a moment, and stay home.
Thank you.
22 comments:
Have mercy on me, a mother to one who desperately wants more, a woman with a small family who would never think to bring a sick child to a play date. The action of your friend had nothing to do with her family size, just her thought process and maybe her mood. Hoping everyone is healthy soon.
Dear Anonymous, If it were the first time or she were the first mom, I'd completely agree. This is one of the chief complaints I hear from big family mamas though. I don't think it's selfishness or being inconsiderate. I truly think that they have no idea the reality of it.
I'll add your desire for more children to my prayer list. God bless you.
Yuck!!! The math certainly is different from 1 child to 7! However it might be more about how people think though. My sister in law brought her 3 sick (as in just finished puking the day before) and her still sick husband to family Christmas. We have three kids three and under. I too basically had a panic attack esp since we had a 7 hour car trip the next day back home. By some miracle we didn't get it. Seriously, I was livid when I found out she was coming with sick kids. They did manage to pass it on to my father in law. Merry Christmas to him! :(
And pass this same information on to those people who think it's okay to come to work sick, too. I can't tell you how many times I am disappointed to see one of the folks in my group come in sniffling/coughing/hacking/shivering and I think, "Oh dear God, please don't let me catch it!" Because I have lots of little people to take those germs home to.
I definitely think it's probably not sometimes people think about in general...they want out of the house (they've been cooped up already and think they are over it) or they don't think they are all that contagious.
Either way...I sure wish people would just stay home when they are sick!!!
No! I think this is a SERIOUS PROBLEM.
It's called "I can't disappoint you." It's called "perfect attendance". I HATE IT.
I'm in Girl Scouts. Twice, I've talk to Moms who have just walked out of the ICU--that Intensive Care Unit---themselves and shown up for Girl Scout meetings 12 hours or 48 hours later.
That is insane!!! I thought that was just one person who was a group leader--but that happened last week. There was a Mom who showed up to chaperone a sleep over party. They thought she had the Asiatic Flu. I'm like are you "crazy?" There are 35 girls here. This is an event you don't need to be at--stay home. Get some chicken noodle soup.
We have lost the basic art of canceling events when the Mother is sick, the kid is sick-- or just the family is a little extra stressed and needs some downtime. Everyone runs around thinking they have to get perfect attendance all the time. It's nuts. It makes our culture so anti-family. AND it spreads the flu germs.
I can handle the flu in my large family--I've got the Eucharist. You meanwhile-- do not have any back up child care plans when your 2.5 kids start puking for 4 days.
So I vote disclosure. "Do you want us to cancel the playdate, we've had the stomach flu around here?" The Catholic Mom's I know do that type of TMI germ sharing info just with head colds.
It's me anon here again. I get it now. You are just trying to give us your perspective- one that I might not understand. Thanks for explaining. I just want to be a voice for those of us who are from smaller families who regularly cancel events due to illness! We don't all have the same attitude and will disappoint if necessary ;) Thanks for your prayers- they are very much appreciated!!!
It's also bad when both parents work outside the home, because then on top of multiple kids (or ourselves) being sick we have to juggle flex time and/or PTO and/or sick days, and pray that we don't run out or get in trouble at work for taking so much time off.
The MOST frustrating thing is when it comes as almost an afterthought, hours after the kids are playing together. I found this recently when I took my Goddaughter to play with a friend's children.
"By the way, they were sick yesterday." You WHAT? AFTER we've travelled too? You've got to be kidding me. Fortunately my GD didn't succumb, thank goodness.
It's not even so much the idea of staying away from large families - my concern is always to be careful bringing germs to families with toddlers and babies since they pick up everything so easily! I'm praying the sickness is over quickly and that it doesn't hit everyone. I know what you mean - when I see one of mine "go down", I quickly start popping vitamin C chewies and elderberry juice into everyone.
i blame the ease of getting antibiotics and great medical care. we totally would NOT be as cavalier with our sickness if we lived in a developing or third world country.
I wish we lived closer. I would like to drop chicken soup (store bought) off for all of you. We will be praying for all of you. Wash your hands and keep things easy. Our best movie for kids just getting over sickness is still "The Great Race" with Tony Curtis and Jack Lemon.
I just want to add: If you have a sick kid, please stay home from church. I really have to point my finger at the large families for this problem. One or two kids are sick, coughing and runny nose and feverish, and they will drag the sick kids along to Mass because some of the kids are healthy. Split up for Mass, or just have dad bring the healthy ones. Churches are crowded and in the winter when windows are closed the illness spreads really quickly.
Whenever we are going to someones house I will call that morning and say 'we are all healthy, is anyone sick there or has anyone been sick recently'. I learned my lesson 2 years ago when we picked up a nasty roto-virus from a large family that didn't clean after their bout of the 10 day diarrhea (which we learned about after the damage was done).
Anon, We are fanatics about that. There are a ton of elderly people and new babies at the Mass we attend. I would hate to be responsible for getting them sick. All I can say as way of explanation for the big families is that they tend to be very religious and take the Sunday obligation very seriously. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that loving our neighbor is one of the two great commandments, and that if we love God at the expense of putting our neighbors in harm's way then we are not doing it right.
Thanks for reminding us of that!
P.S. As the mother of a child with an auto-immune disorder, I am very vocal with the people I know who drag sick kids out in public. Please don't do it. You never know who's sitting next to you.
I think it's probably a personality thing (and/or previous experience). We got burned when I had only one child, just 1yo, and we went to a 2yo birthday party on our little lane. After we got there, absolutely everyone else was talking about how good it was to be out again after having the stomach flu all week... and then of course all those "well" toddlers blew all over the cake. Still today I can feel that urge to run.... and it nailed us. So now I tend to err on the side of caution, especially about stomach bugs.
And currently I have a cold that't totally kicking me around... which I've been trying not to pass on to the babies and elderly in my usual path. We do tend not to go to Mass when we're shedding cold viruses - being a little stuffed up, I can take to Mass, but anyone sneezing or coughing or runny-nosing, I don't share. Of course my poor dh coughs whether or not he's sick, so he gets evil looks for just trying to breathe, but you do what you can.
Funny aside: the local families who don't seem to care as much about one sick kid are in fact two bigger families. I get the vibe from them that, "If we stopped for one sick kid, we'd never get anything done." Drives my hypochondriac oldest nuts when we go to their house for a lesson and they have a kid looking peak-ed on the couch with crackers....
Sorry the family's ill; having just gotten over it myself, I sympathize. You have my prayers.
We always get the "domino sickness" in the House of Nod too.
Can't tell you how many events we've canceled due to sickness (including Christmas with the family - twice).
It's just common courtesy (or should be).
Also, even with insurance, the co-pay amount to get everyone in our house a prescription is close to $100. That's pretty tough pill to swallow on a big family budget.
while i was reading this i screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh goodness, I would cry!
I thought H just had a diaper rash from teething and warts on her feet. :) So I went to see my girlfriend who just moved here. (I told her about it, let her make the call too...I made it seem so nonchalant, because I really thought it was nothing.)
We were at B's appointment and I had the dr check H "warts" on her feet and come to find out it was a fever with a rash, but not classified as HFM. As I was getting the diagnosis, my girlfriend was texting me, Did H have a fever when she had her rash...I wanted to die. All 3 of her kids got it.
But it was a good illness....LOL The kind that makes you lay around, not the puking kind. LMBO! ha! ;)
I totally get you, that is along time to be down for the count!
As an emetophobic (someone with an actual phobia of vomit) I couldn't agree more! Also, a cousin brought her boy who was actively having diarrhea all day to Christmas. He ended up vomiting later, but passed it on to two immuno-compromised relatives. It turned into a two week long nightmare, complete with hospital time, for one of them and a very uncomfortable six days for the other. Everyone has to remember not all of us are fit, healthy and at the right age to throw it off. Most people just don't know better.
I think full disclosure of any recent illness is the right thing to do and I do always try to do that. We always cancel for any type of puking or fever illness. With minor colds (just sniffles/runny nose without a fever or cough)I usually just tell the other person and let them decide. If someone tells me their kid has the sniffles I usually go ahead with the playdate...but not always.
When it comes to group activities, I try to follow the 4-day rule which is from Dr. Sears I think..he says that colds are contagious for the first 4 days so we try to be mindful of that. I also take the venue into account...I figure kids are more likely to spread something at indoor activities than outdoor ones..so we might still attend an outdoor playdate with a mild cold..but would stay away from something indoors. But, for anything more than just a mild cold, we always just stay home, no matter what.
When I was a child story: The morning after hosting a family party, I woke up covered in chicken pox spots. My mom had to call up everyone and tell them they've been exposed. And no one better say anything bad about my mother.
And when you do not have paid time off or paid sick days left, you go to work.
As far as sitting next to sick parishioners, I figure it's exercise for my immune system.
If I am paying a visit to a home with an infant, a frail elderly person, or a seriously ill person, I'll self-dsiclose a recent or current illness. Everyone else is fair game.
I had not thought of big family sickness math, so that's a new perspective for me.
Lena
Lena,
The other part of Big Family math is the financial cost of it. If my children get sick enough that even half of them need to see the doctor, that's $60-80 in co-pays. (I have 7 kids. I'm not cutting them in half. $20 co-pay. You get it.) Over the counter medication for a family our size with a cold that lasts a week can easily top $100. If we need prescriptions, you can begin at $100 and go up from there.
I think there is a distinction between taking a child out who woke up with pox the next day and taking out a child you know is contagious. Life happens and we all inadvertently do things.
I understand going to work while you're sick because you have to sick leave/pay. We've been there. I would hope that folks in that situation would have the courtesy to let others know they are ill and giver them the choice of exposure. When CG worked for his previous employer, sick leave could be an issue, so he wore a surgical mask whenever he could to avoid getting other people sick. He always just felt it was the least he could do for his coworkers.
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